What The Onion Says

Despairing sources confirmed that the gunman, armed with a semiautomatic assault rifle—a fucking combat rifle, Jesus—walked into a classroom full of goddamned children where his mother was a teacher and, good God, if this is what the world is becoming, then how about we just pack it in and fucking give up, because this is no way to live.

Full story here.

Author: Stephen Whitworth

Prairie Dog editor Stephen Whitworth was carried to Regina in a swarm of bees. He's been with Prairie Dog since May 1999 and will die at his keyboard before admitting his career a terrible, terrible mistake.

12 thoughts on “What The Onion Says”

  1. Actually it’s excellent writing on an impossible topic. Not to your taste? Fair enough!

  2. It’s unworthy of The Onion, who wouldn’t continue in business if they didn’t think that what they do is worth while. In a week, when they’ve gotten some measure of perspective, they’ll see this as what it is: at best immature self-indulgence; at worst, the very spirit that pulls the trigger in every mass shooting.

  3. Barb Saylor on the Onion: “the very spirit that pulls the trigger in every mass shooting.”

  4. And in every murder-suicide, I should have added, referring to the spirit of despair, giving up, believing that oblivion is the only solution. I hope that that clarifies things for you.

  5. No, For Un-Real, it’s only pathetic if you give up. I could cite you numerous cases where, despite terrible repeated blows, people accomplished significant change, but some folks would just like to wallow and indulge, so I’ll let them. With any luck, you’re not one of them.

  6. It’s satire. It’s deliberate, obvious hyperbole. It’s what we think and fear might happen if the stolid news voice breaks down. It’s not about giving up; it’s about the underlying “why-the-fuck-do-we-even-bother” that may crack through from underneath the surface of the polished, professional reporter. Very surprised you didn’t get that Barb, even if you don’t find it your cup of tea.

  7. It’s a satirical howl of rage and despair that acknowledges feelings of powerlessness. It made me feel better and I think it would make others feel better, too. That doesn’t mean anyone’s giving up.

  8. It’s all a metaphor for banging your head against the brick wall of unsuccessfully trying to reason with the gun-nut lobby, its militiamen and women foot soldiers, and their useful idiot, warped, zero-compromise, totally unreasonable, sympathizers/relativists. A fetish for Constitutional purity & raging paranoia of government/United Nations takeover of America rae tough nuts to crack.

    So ironic tho that when a handful of Arabs fly a couple of planes into some big buildings that we all hands-down submit to expensive, disruptive “government intrusions” into our lives and personal freedoms, but when ill white people terrorize the nation with guns, we totally front against any sort of new regulations there.

    The hypocrisy is so worthy of zero respect. Grow up, idiots and morons.

  9. The Onion’s stock in trade is satire: I get that; I always have gotten it. What I object to is its inappropriateness at a time when there are fragile, legitimately grieving people around, among them parents who have to go on for the sake of their surviving children, many of whom at far too young an age will have to cope with survivor’s guilt on top of everything else. There are also people who have been working hard for a long time to make their communities safer, and who really don’t need this kind of rubbish, which, despite the supposed intent, make them look delusional.

    @10: While the description of the article as a metaphor is wrong, your second paragraph makes a very good point.

  10. I wouldn’t put too much into what the Onion says. They remind me of the same BS found in other tabloids.

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