Weekly Reckoning: Sex Bacon™ Tonic Edition

weekly-reckoningThat’s right: sex bacon. Or should I say, Prairie Dog’s Patented Sex Bacon™ Tonic! Stop not taking Sex Bacon immediately! Guaranteed to increase your SBBL count and put a strut in your step when you swig a swag of Sex Bacon™! Ingredients: ethyl alchohol, sugar, bacon, natural things like twigs and maybe a clove or two of garlic? Hey, that sounds good. Maybe this is more of a lifestyle spray than a medicinal tonic? You know, we’re still in the blue-sky phase of the product launch.

1. TOLLER CRANSTON, THE GREATEST OF ALL TIME, IS GONE Toller Cranston, the greatest skater with the coolest name who ever lived, is not living. Cranston died at age 65 in his Mexico home of an apparent heart attack. There’s no word on whether he was was wearing one of his uber-cool turtleneck sweaters or maybe writing me a letter saying, “Yes Aidan, I really am the coolest Canadian who ever popped up on your TV screen on Saturday nights to make all of the other skaters look like amateurs. I only won the bronze at the 1976 Innsbruck Olympics because my athleticism and talent and spangly suit and floppy hair terrified the judges. Keep following your dreams, Toller.”

2. TATIANA MASLANEY MASLANY, WHO IS ALMOST AS COOL AS TOLLER CRANSTON, MAY BE IN STAR WARS Regina’s Tatiana Maslaney Maslany is up for a role in the upcoming 2016 Star Wars film from director Gareth Edwards (Monsters, Godzilla). Also in contention are Rooney Mara (Girl with the Dragon Tattoo), Kate Mara (House of Cards) and Felicity Jones (The Theory of Everything) but they won’t get it because they’re up against the cybernetic acting machine from the future we have designated as Tatiana Maslaney Maslany.

3. IT’S GETTING HARDER AND HARDER TO FIND BAD FAST FOOD The New Yorker has a fine and thoughtful piece called “The Shake Shack Economy” on the challenge that fast-casual” restaurants like Shake Shack, Chipotle and Panera Bread pose to the traditional junk food slingers of post-war ‘Murica. Traces of this trend in Regina can be found in the $15 poutines of Fatburger or the ongoing bend towards comfort food in high-end restaurants. But don’t worry, there are lots of totally awful fast food experiences available in Saskatchewan.

4. VROOOOOM VROOOOOOM SHUFFLE REPEAT What do you think of the sweet roar of the engine in your new F-150? It’s probably an .mp3 file.

5. OH SKY MALL, WE BID YOU AND YOUR MOUNTAIN OF OVERPRICED JUNK GOODBYE After 25 years of doing a rip-roaring trade in Bigfoot garden gnomes and electronic litter boxes, Sky Mall has filed for bankruptcy. Slate.com has an explainer piece on Sky Mall’s business model and why it failed, but if you can’t figure out how a company whose brand was founded on selling stuff that nobody could possibly want ran out of money, then I doubt any link can help you (actually, Sky Mall’s chief revenue source wasn’t their catalogue – see the article for details). The website is still up and taking orders, but who knows how long that will last? Better move quick if you want your Night Glow Toilet Seat.

UPDATE: Maslaney Maslany.

 

Author: Aidan Morgan

Aidan is a very serious man who's saving up for a nice dignified pipe. Then we'll see who's laughing.

2 thoughts on “Weekly Reckoning: Sex Bacon™ Tonic Edition”

  1. Like the Leader Post who had to print an apology, you also have spelled Tatiana’s surname incorrectly.

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