Weekly ReckoningThere’s a cat in my lap and a burning curiosity in my brain. Let’s do this.

1. ONE THOUSAND EIGHT HUNDRED AND SEVENTY-THREE WORDS. That’s how many words the Leader-Post’s Andrew Matte needs to tell you that mayor Michael Fougere is low-key, ambitious and from Nova Scotia. Also that he “even quit smoking because running with a smoker’s lungs became problematic.” Come on, mayor: you just drape the smoker’s lungs around your neck and bring them together over your chest with a clip or something. Otherwise it’s smoky lungs flopping everywhere.

2. BRAD WALL VS. BILL DOYLE. The titans have clashed! Stern words have been exchanged! Meanwhile, 440 Saskatchewanians are out of a job. Where does L-P business columnist Bruce Johnstone land in the battle between Big Potash and Big Rest Of Us? The answer may surprise you! No it won’t.

3. NEW ADJECTIVE HORRIBLE, SEASONAL. Here is a gallery of the most mistletoe-able women in 2013. Nine clicks to reach Jennifer Lawrence? Come on.

4. AND I WAS JUST ABOUT TO RECORD MY POLITICAL COMEDY NOVELTY SINGLE “YOU DON’T TOPPLE STATUES ANYMORE.” Over in Ukraine, where citizens are agitating for the closer integration of Ukraine into the European Union, protesters toppled a statue of Lenin in Kiev. I’m happy to see that central Europe is still cultivating its statue-toppling skills. They even beat that thing with a sledgehammer.

5. “THE WOOL IS WET AND YOU HAVE TO KINDA YANK AT IT.” How are you spending your weekend? Whatever you’re up to, it’s probably not knitting from your vagina.