Weekly Reckoning: In-flight Diet Advice Edition

Weekly ReckoningGood afternoon, People Who Look at Internet. Tonight I’m having jerk chicken and watching the mid-season finale of The Walking Dead, because we live in a world in which ever-shorter seasons of television get an ever-increasing number of finales. But first I have some very special messages for you.

1. DON’T ENGAGE A REALITY SHOW PRODUCER IN MID-FLIGHT COMBAT. Twitter, which enjoys treating arguments between strangers as an opportunity to inveigh against the state of the world, is currently consuming an epic battle between Bachelor producer Elan Gale and “Diane,” an upset and inconsiderate passenger on his flight. The battle was mostly waged in the form of notes, which included recommendations to “Eat my dick” and culminated in a post-flight slap on the face (Diane’s hand to Elan’s face). Gale tweeted the whole thing, complete with photos of notes and the impromptu hashtag #TeamElan. Twitter went nuts over the incident and is still, as of this writing, nuts. But already the complications arise. Was it all a fake? Is Elan Gale a sexy hero or a jerk? Is he abusing his white cis male privilege to bully a random woman at a bad moment? Does Diane have cancer, as some have alleged? Should Elan juice some kale? Or is there some larger cultural point to be made out of all this? Twitter, you’re the worst.

2. DON’T SKIP THE CLASSICS. If Comet ISON had owned a copy of Bullfinch’s Mythology, that giant ball of space ice would have known not to fly too close to the sun. Now, like Icarus, Comet ISON has lost much of its nucleus to the sun’s holy fire and become a crippled zombie comet. Just as Icarus became zombie Icarus and Daedalus had to shoot him in the head, it is incumbent on Earth to follow ISON back to the Oort Cloud before it can infect all of the other comets. Otherwise they’ll come back and we’ll be like “Gross, zombie comets.”

3. DON’T KNOCK LESBIAN EXPERIENCES UNTIL YOU’VE ANSWERED A SURVEY ON YOUR SEXUAL HABITS. Apparently same-sex contact between young British women has seen a sharp rise over the last year, according to a British survey. Are women getting more interested in each other or are they simply less ashamed to discuss it? Are men exiting the Earth in droves to battle Zombie Comet ISON, leaving women with nothing to do but have sex with each other and make inroads into all kinds of fields usually dominated by men? Or are men just sleeping in a lot?

4. PAUL WALKER IS DEAD. Star of the Fast and Furious franchise Paul Walker died in a car accident today. The cause of the accident has not been determined. Walker was only 40 years old, which sounds old enough until you’ve passed that milestone and then it’s a terrifyingly young age to die. Let’s all make it past 40 and generally not die. Deal?

5. DON’T CALL YOUR CONSTITUENTS INFIDELS IF YOU CAN HELP IT. Manitoba PC leader Brian Pallister took to the YouTubes recently to wish everyone a merry Christmas (and happy Hanukkah!), including “all you infidel atheists out there.” He went on to say, “I want to wish you [infidel atheists] the very best also. I don’t know what you [infidel atheists] celebrate during the holiday season, I myself celebrate the birth of Christ, but it’s your [infidel atheist] choice. I respect your choice [which will earn you a fine seat in perdition].” I’ve watched this video several times and I think he’s half-serious, in his tone-deaf and condescending fashion . He really wants to reach out to the infidel atheists, because presumably some of them live in his riding. Not that he would know. If you’re an atheist in Pallister’s riding, take him out for a soda and explain your bizarre cultural traditions to him, most of which involve naked gyrations around a giant statue of your demonic three-headed ruler HitchDawkIss.

Also, note that Pallister’s magnanimous blessings extend only to Christians, Jews and atheists. The rest of you just have to sit around in your weird houses and be Arab or something (if I understand my Palliser demographics correctly).

Author: Aidan Morgan

Aidan is a very serious man who's saving up for a nice dignified pipe. Then we'll see who's laughing.

12 thoughts on “Weekly Reckoning: In-flight Diet Advice Edition”

  1. Ahh, Brian Pallister – Man of Principle. Remember: It’s better to start a war under false pretenses, bankrupt the country, and murder 1000s than to “break a promise”. Promises made/Promises kept is thee most important tenet in politics today. It doesn’t matter how bad, or trivial, the content of the promise was; it’s all about following thru on the promise or at least making it look to moron dumb-asses like you did. By that, honesty, principle, and integrity in the modern politician are measured. Brian Pallister made a promise to his Lord: to misunderstand and treat with utter condescension his fellow non-believers out there, but to love them just the same. By this, he keeps his promise. Integrity.

    P.S. See PMO memo re: Hanukkah and swaying of Jewish Canadian vote. MPs are to mention Hanukkah 1:1 with “Merry Christmas” this holiday season but never “Have a nice Ramadan, Mustafah…”

  2. Aidan: not all Arabs are Muslim, and vice versa. And it’s “Eid Mubarak”, Talbot, to mark the end of Ramadan.

  3. “If you wish to celebrate nothing and just get together with friends that’s good too.”

    Wow. Finally! A politician who understands the holidays for us (redundantly named) infidel atheists. It’s like he used some kind of angel magic to peer right into my home’s seasonal celebrations of nothing.

    I know traditions vary but in our family we like to offer up a prayer just as the sun sets on December 25th to Null The Caliginous, The Gaping Maw That Devours All. Then at midnight we light a single candle to remind us of how insignificant we are. And how easily snuffed.

    I get so tired of Christians and other believers and the misconceptions they have about infidel beliefs — these people who think we worship Satan or hew to some narcissistic cult of self-worship when really it’s all about acknowledging the majesty of the Outer Darkness and paying tribute to the Inevitable Void that will one day freeze all life and hope.

    So ignore all the flack you’re getting for this video, Brian Pallister. The universe doesn’t care that you look like a buffoon and neither should you.

  4. Yes Barb, I’m aware that large swathes of the Muslim world are not Arab. The joke here is that Brian Pallister might not know that.

  5. So, the Elan Gale thing has turned out to be a hoax (http://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2013/dec/03/elan-gale-internet-hoax-rotten-online-lives) Which means this guy invented an awful woman that he could fantasize about fighting with on a plane. Someone so awful he wanted to shove his crotch in her face, because that’s an impulse many men seem to have when they encounter women they hate, even fictional ones, apparently.

    Tip: Men, don’t use your dicks as part of your gag, ever. And “Eat my dick/eat all the dicks/etc.” is no different from “suck my dick”. The slight rephrasing sounds funny and new to you, but we’ve heard it before and it’s always an assault.

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