Good afternoon. Your Reckoning begins… now. No wait. NOW. Hold on a sec, I’m just figuring out this here AutoReckon-5000 I got off of eBay… you know, you can start reckoning whenever you want.
1. HOW YOU KNOW IT’S THE 21ST CENTURY Austria’s Conchita Wurst, a bearded drag performer, won the 58th Eurovision Song Contest with the tune “Rise Like a Phoenix.” Yay! Also, can the Eurovision Song Contest be done now?
2. HEEEEEEEE’S GONE Lee Marshall, newscaster, radio deejay and the voice of Tony the Tiger (the second person to play the character after Thurl Ravenscrof), has died at the age of 64.
3. A HEARTWARMING MOTHER’S DAY STORY WITH SOME HORRIFIC DETAILS Imagine being reunited with your daughter after seven decades! Because you’d given her up for adoption! After being raped by “a stranger in the woods.” Well, let’s move past that to the bit where mother and daughter are reunited at the respective ages of 102 and 77. Happy Mother’s Day!
4. CANADA, CANADA, CANADA. “Woo hoo!” said Team Canada as they headed into the World Hockey Championships against France. “Uh, whoops,” they said later, after they’d lost 3-2. “What the hell?” said Canadian hockey fans, who still dream of Paul Henderson picking up Esposito’s rebound and sending those Commie hockey rats packing back in 1972.
5. WE ARE OFFICIALLY LIVING IN THE DARKEST TIMELINE Community, the greatest show on broadcast television, has been cancelled by NBC after five weird seasons. From a Wes Andersonesque pilot about a group of misfits at a community college to a bizarre free-for-all of genres and ideas (examples: a Goodfellas parody about cafeteria chicken fingers, a paintball game that turns into five hundred action films, a clip show that featured only new footage), Community ruled. Except in the fourth season, when showrunner Dan Harmon had been fired and a pale parody of the show popped up in its place. That season never happened.