Weekly Reckoning1. LOU REED 1942-2013. Like most of us, Lou Reed ate breakfast, read the papers, went for walks and eventually died. Unlike most of us, he played in the Velvet Underground, hung out with Nico and Andy Warhol, and made some of the best music of the 20th and 21st centuries. He also recorded a rap song in the late ’80s, which should have been terrible – but which, even now, I still find myself singing in the shower. The details of his death haven’t been released, but it’s known that Reed had a recent liver transplant. I suppose we could stroke our chins and throw around terms like cancer and hepatitis C, but the truth of the matter is that he’s gone, we’re all going to hit that marker soon enough, and we should probably focus on doing something even one-tenth as amazing as Transformer or Magic and Loss. I mean, even if Lou Reed did nothing in his life but record vocals for Rock and Rule, he’d still be awesome. So let’s remember Reed and do something incredible today.

*curtain rings scrape along shower rod* *hot water hisses* Better check that sausage before you stick it in the waffle/Make sure that candy’s in the original wrapper/ Hey pitcher better check that batter/ Make sure the candy’s in the original wrapper hey hey

2. THE TRUTH ABOUT MUCOUS. Ever wondered why your nose drippings are green? Click and be satisfied. This is why the military-industrial complex created the Internet.

3. THE US ESTABLISHMENT IS BUSY EATING ITSELF ALIVE. Allegedly, Obama knew as far back as 2010 that German Chancellor Angela Merkel’s phone was tapped. And how do we know? An anonymous source in US intelligence told a German newspaper. Is it true? Is it nothing but a plume of disgruntlement’s noxious smoke? This is mesmerizing. UPDATE: If you follow the link to the original piece, you’ll see that the copy has been replaced by a flat-out denial of the allegations.

4. I BLAME LORNA. Regina’s oldest church is missing its crozier! Quick, someone call the crozier police! What, no crozier police? Well okay, contact the Crozier Squad at 1-900-CRO-ZIER. When the hell did that become a phone sex line? Citizens, it’s up to you. Go forth and form roving bands of crozier-seeking vigilante thugs. Raid homes. Steal children. Unleash your petty grievances on the city in the name of restoring croziers to their rightful places.

Seriously, though, St. Paul’s crozier is beautiful and irreplaceable. Let’s hope it makes its way home.

5. “GENETIC MATERIAL ONCE THOUGHT OF AS TRASH IS NOW BELIEVED TO BE IMPORTANT IN PERSONALIZING YOUR FACE.” Ha ha, scientists. If it’s personalizing your face, then it’s definitely trash (link goes to video) (a video explaining how some molecular trash makes our trashy faces look like they do).