News. What is it? How much is it? Can you pack five or more newses into a backpack? What’s the density of news on the surface of Saturn? These are questions that only a careful application of science can answer. Luckily, I’m a scientist. A scientist of news.
1. THE NEWS IS AT LEAST 500 DISGUSTINGS PER CUBIC CENTIMETRE As if we haven’t had enough of the nonsense surrounding the non-indictment of Darren Wilson (who has unsurprisingly resigned), it turns out that forensics expert Shawn Parcells, who performed a private forensics report on Michael Brown’s body, is a fraud. Apparently he picked up his forensic pathology skills “on the job”.
2. THE NEWS IS TWO GLOVES FROM SAFETY Brandon McKean, a black man in Michigan, was stopped by a police officer because he was walking with his hands in his pockets. If only he’d been wearing gloves, then that officer would have to be racist elsewhere.
3. THE NEWS IS COMFORTABLE AND RESTING WITH MINIMAL SPEECH AND LIMITED MOBILITY Mr. Hockey, aka Gordie Howe, is currently recovering from two strokes, according to his son Mark Howe.
4. THE NEWS IS AT LEAST ONE DEFIBRILLATOR OUTSIDE THE LAW Ottawa police constable Jason Mallett has been arrested for criminal harassment, improper storage of a handgun and theft of a city-owned defibrillator. Who looks at a defibrillator and thinks “I’m going to need that”? I’m also curious about improper storage of a handgun. Did he leave it in his Budweiser mini-fridge? Balance it on his hat? Tape it to his partner’s back? The news is hungry for knowledge.
5. THE NEWS HAS A FLAVOUR Beak’s Chicken, those purveyors of the greatest fried chicken in Regina, have launched a Kickstarter to fund their transition from food truck to a good old-fashioned year-round restaurant. Say, doesn’t that sound like a tasty idea? If you want fried chicken in deepest winter, maybe this is a project worth your pledge? Hmmm?
Lastly, here’s The Force Awakens teaser trailer, as imagined by George Lucas. Abrams almost messed the franchise up big time, but thankfully someone has the guts to present Lucas’ true vision.