Tag: Football

Weekly Reckoning: Let’s Do This Edition

weekly-reckoningAlright! Who’s with me on this reckoning thing? I’m feeling good today and I don’t care who knows it! Because it’s not important information! Keep reading!

WELL THAT DIDN’T TAKE LONG Darian Durant ruptured his left Achilles tendon in yesterday’s 30-26 loss against the Winnipeg Boobobbers. Aaaand he’s done for the season, which must be a disappointment for fans, except for that one weird friend of yours who’ll say something like “Now this gives the Riders a chance to discover their strengths” as he gnaws off his own foot in despair.

IF YOU WANT SOMETHING DONE RIGHT South Carolina is poised to discuss the removal of the Confederate flag from its legislative grounds, but it wasn’t happening fast enough to suit activist and all-around badass Bree Newsom, who climbed the pole and took it down herself. For a brief moment, Newsom herself became a human flag as she reached the top of the pole and removed the Stars and Bars from its traditional position. Did she contemplate the oddity of that unwitting transformation? This is probably beside the point.

THEY ALSO FOUND AN ISIS OUTPOST LURKING IN A BOOK OF EGYPTIAN MYTHOLOGY JUST WAITING TO STRIKE CNN recently ran a hot story about an ISIS flag being flown at a London pride parade. It turned out to be pictures of dildos and assorted sex toys.

EAST GERMAN COMMUNIST DOLLHOUSES! East! German! Communist! Dollhouses!

SOMETHING HANDY THIS WAY COMES Ray Bradbury’s demolished house has been converted into 451 sets of bookends and sold to help support the Center for Ray Bradbury Studies at Indiana University.

A Team That Loses To Back-Up QBs Three Consecutive Weeks Has No Business Being In First Place

Around week six or seven of the CFL season, I took a look at how I thought the Saskatchewan Roughrider season would turn out, and felt that I couldn’t have been more wrong. But after sitting through yesterday’s loss to the B.C. Lions, to a team that was starting its third string quarterback (the third consecutive time the Riders lost to a team starting its back-up quarterback) well … let’s just say Elliot does the Told You So dance better than me.

That is, if I felt like dancing. After Sunday’s game, I didn’t feel like doing anything except having a shower. The game was as dull as any match I’ve seen there, and it brought me back to the 1990s when I would turn my Walkman from the radio to my cassette about halfway through the third quarter and listen to the Tragically Hip play “Emergency” (‘Until it’s no longer fun/until it’s no longer relevant …’), which typified much of the Al Ford era Roughriders. And these Roughriders in their last six games.

What’s the matter?

They lost their most valuable player, for one. Ever since Chris Best was injured, the offensive line has not been able to consistently block for the run, nor can they provide adequate pass protection. Nobody can quarterback when they’re running for his life or flat on his back. Offensive line is a combination of talent and consistency that comes from working together. Without Best, the Riders are  … not at their best.

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Aw NFL Naw: Free Period (Week 17)

(h/t totalprosports.com for the image)

It’s the holidays, so instead of reading the CAPS LOCK swear routine that is Aw NFL Naw, I declare this time to be yours to do with as you please! Build a snow fort, write an erotic western, compare your picks to Ron’s in the comment section, write an erotic western about Ron’s picks for Week 17. The world is your frost covered oyster!

Thank you so much for letting me hang out with you this NFL season. I had a lot of fun.

Aw NFL Naw: Cracking Them Football Eggs To Make Some Sort Of Sports Omelette (Week 15)

Sound the alarm! No, not that one. No, not that other one either. No, not your Kellogg’s Corn Flakes promotional “Time For Breakfast” alarm. No, not the one made entirely out of macaroni. That one’s only for emergencies. You know what? Forget it! Don’t sound any alarms. I don’t care. Whatever. What was I getting at? Oh yeah, time for Aw NFL Naw. WEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOWWWWWW!

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Mum’s The Word

In the wake of the murder-suicide in Kansas City on Saturday morning that saw Chiefs starting linebacker Jovan Belcher shoot to death his girlfriend Kasandra Perkins, who three months earlier had given birth to their daughter Zooey, then drive to Arrowhead Stadium and take his own life with a gunshot to the head, sportscaster Bob Costas took to the airwaves at halftime of the Sunday night NFL tilt between the Philadelphia Eagles and Dallas Cowboys to comment on the tragedy.

As a journalist, he was hardly alone in doing that. Lord knows, there were enough angles to explore: from the NFL’s decision (reportedly supported by the Chiefs management and players) to go ahead with the game against the Carolina Panthers the next afternoon, to the ongoing scourge of domestic violence in our society, to the special circumstances of Belcher’s case — such as the hero worship of pro athletes and the sense of entitlement it sometimes engenders, to possible aggravating factors like brain damage from a concussion or maybe even previous steroid use.

At this point, any discussion on the latter points is sheer speculation (although Belcher is said to have been suffering from short-term memory loss after a game against the Cincinnati Bengals on Nov. 18). What is clear, though, is that the easy availability of guns in the U.S. greatly enhances the potential for deadly consequences whenever people are in crisis or conflict.

In his essay, Costas spoke about the rampant gun culture in the U.S., and how it precluded any rational discussion of the toll that gun violence is taking on American society. The fall-out from the 1 min. 32 sec. address, which you can view below, has been pretty vitriolic. Here’s Will Bunch’s take on Huffington Post where he notes that one criticism that was leveled at Costas was that he spoke too soon after the tragedy. But really, when would be the right time? Gun violence is endemic in the U.S., so a tragedy pretty much happens somewhere every day.

Aw NFL Naw: Gore Vidal’s “Football” (Week 13)

In this week’s edition of the Dubuque Packing Company Agricultural Report, we look at innovations in the world of crop development, there’s a humourous editorial from Zeke “Thistle Pen” Reimer on Korea’s approach to beef regulation and as always we have our world famous tasteful animal nudes. Join us!

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Aw NFL Naw: Advanced Aw NFL Naw: Eye of the Beholder II – The Legend of Darkmoon (Week 12)

Just in time for American Thanksgiving (the holiday made famous by that episode of Caroline in the City where Caroline’s cartoon was in the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade), it’s Aw NFL Naw.

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Aw NFL Naw: As Seen In Cat Fancy Europe (Week 11)

Oh no! Tony Danza’s teammates appear skeptical of his field goal kicking ability! Prove ’em wrong, Tony. Kick your way into their hearts and be the phenomenon you were born to be. (If memory serves, Danza unlocking full-on Phenomenon powers would turn him into a genius with telekinetic super powers and a remarkably drippy Eric Clapton theme tune.) Onward to Week 11!

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Aw NFL Naw: Now Featuring Two Images That Will Haunt Your Dreams (Week 10)

(image h/t moneydick)

At first the scariest part of this poster is the laser action coming out of Lawrence Taylor’s fingertips, but it’s the dude hanging on the uprights that really freaks me out. Also, Lawrence Taylor is a terrifying human being to begin with, so this poster is extra spooky. Right, onward to Week 10 of Aw NFL Naw.

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Aw NFL Naw: FUCKING UP ELECTION COVERAGE WITH FOOTBALL TALK (Week 8)

I hope you’re having a fun election day. We’re doing the football wordbarf thing again this week. Rub some Cheezies dust onto your gums and let’s get this party started.

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Aw NFL Naw: Costumed Millionaires Will Show Us The Way (Week 5)

image courtesy of newarama.com

Aw NFL Naw is back for Week 5. Time permitting, there will be a dazzling analysis of Michel Foucalt’s The Order of Things in the second half of this column. Or I’ll go on a ramble about Secret Princes. (Shh! Don’t tell anyone that the rich men surrounded by a camera crew may not be all that they seem.)

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Aw NFL Naw: Yes, That Is A Nada Surf Video Screencap. Yes, I’m A Colossal Pussy (Week 4)

Welcome to the Prairie Dog‘s Pulitzer Prize winning XFL recap Aw XFL Naw: your #1 source for details on the Memphis Maniax, New York/New Jersey Hitmen and every team in between. Now with extra Jim Druckenmiller analysis!

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Aw NFL Naw: Fuck You A Baby Story, You Don’t Need To Be On Every Weekday (Week 3)

It’s Week 3. Join me after the jump for the usual hodgepodge of swears, poorly formed analogies and nude pictures of all your favourite celebrities. (Including former UK Prime Minister John Major!) Plus football junk! Continue reading “Aw NFL Naw: Fuck You A Baby Story, You Don’t Need To Be On Every Weekday (Week 3)”

Aw NFL Naw: Don’t Give Papa John The Satisfaction (Week 2)


image courtesy of IMDB

Week 1’s come and gone. Hopes were raised, dreams were crushed and Brandon Weeden got trapped underneath an American flag because that’s the sort of thing that happens when you’re the quarterback of the Cleveland Browns. It’s great to have football back. Week 2 of Aw NFL Naw/Lt. Washboard’s Discount Soda Review Roundup is after the jump.

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Aw NFL Naw: The Returninging (Week 1)

In the proud 21st century tradition of unnecessary sequels, Aw NFL Naw has returned for the 2012 NFL season. (/pauses for the reader to make a dismissive jerk off motion) Yes, it is exciting stuff! It’s the same sort of thing as last time: Swears! Typos! Veiled Threats At Big Soda! Plus this year there’s an outside chance that I’ll turn this column into a RuPaul’s Drag Race (All Stars) discussion fiesta starting in October. It would have been a lock if Willam was selected for All Stars, but here we are.

Come join in the merriment after the jump.

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