Tag: Doomsday!

Great.  It’s 6:00 and nothing happened.  Fantastic, you disturbed old fart.  Guess what!  I’m sending you a $16,000 credit card bill from last night and seven grown adults that I legally adopted this morning.  Deal with it you lying piece of dung.

(Wolseley, SK) Countdown to the six p.m. earthquake deadline is in effect. Everything is fine so far. Puppies are still cute. Slurpies are still delicious. The biggest indication of any cataclysms on the way was a single car in the ditch on the way out here.

But when I arrived, nothing really out of the ordinary, as you can see. I’ll let you know if any Antichrists rise.

So I walked to the office this afternoon because if the world’s ending at 6:00 I need to be at my post. With just a few minutes to go, here’s where we’re sitting.

First, I spoke to a couple of downtown service industry workers. One barista, who I’ll call “R”, had just started her shift. She said she hadn’t seen any signs of trouble, and no one had mentioned anything to her about the world ending. Then I talked to “J”, a server/bartender at a well-known downtown pub, who said everything seemed okay there.  Calm before the storm?

Next, I checked the Internet and at first glance it looked like nothing was happening. Many experts thought the Apocalypse would happen at six p.m. local time and sweep across the globe like a date change on New Year’s Eve, but there haven’t been reports of the earth boiling and the sky raining helltoads. Is it all a hoax? Well, first off, I’m pretty sure any all-powerful deity orchestrating a Rapture could cloud the minds of us humans so we wouldn’t know what’s happening east of us. In fact that’s exactly what you’d expect, if you thought about it for a minute.

Second, if you look closely, the signs are clear that something is happing! For example:

1.) There is great turmoil in the Middle East.

2.)  Licentiousness and wickedness! Everywhere!

3.) A volcano is erupting! Right now! It just started today! And its name is “Grimsvotn”! I AM NOT MAKING THIS UP, PEOPLE!!!!!

Taken together, well, it’s obvious something is going down. News like this doesn’t just “happen” for no reason. And that’s all I’ve got to say.

Want to know more? Read stuff here.

Good luck to us all.

According to Camping’s prediction, if the Rapture does indeed happen at 6 today, we’ll have five months of Tribulation before the world finally comes to a fiery end on October 21. Glad to have a little extra time before Judgement because I’ve got a stack of reading I haven’t gotten to yet — stuff I want to read over, should have read in the first place and stuff I started and never quite finished.

Here’s my partial end-times reading list:

Pale Fire: Nabokov’s best and one of my favourite books of all time. Don’t want to go out without reading this one more time.

Gravity’s Rainbow: Got about half way through and just couldn’t bring myself to finish that monster off. (Amazing how a single scene of coprophilia can sour one’s enjoyment of an otherwise worthwhile novel.) The thing has been sitting on my shelf mocking me ever since.

A Small and Remarkable Life and The Comedians: These are the only two books left on my shelves that people have loaned me. Had best finish them off and return them so I won’t have them on my conscience during the Apocalypse.

Dickens: Yeah. Somehow I managed to get a Masters in English Lit without ever reading any of his stuff. Better get on that.

Slaughterhouse Five and Timequake: Actually, time permitting, I’d really like to work my way through a whole stack of Vonnegut. If we’re going to have to suffer through a biblical Armageddon, I think his words are the last I want going through my head when it all comes to an end.

I should add more but at the rate I read, that’s probably all I could get through in five months — especially with all the earthquakes interrupting my quiet time. (Man, Camping’s a stingy bastard. I’d always understood the Tribulation as lasting seven years.)

So… anybody else have an end-times reading list?

The world ended today. I was in the kitchen, trying out a new pancake recipe. Then the doorbell rang.

“Hello,” said the zombie. “In case you haven’t been reading the internet, I am here to inform you that the Apocalypse is upon us. The faithful have been taken up to Heaven already.”

“It was… yeah. It was on Twitter this morning,” I said. The zombie nodded and fiddled with his tie. His shirt was at least a size too large, with fold marks still visible across the front. A carboard price tag poked up from the collar.

“Yes indeed,” he said. “Over the coming weeks you will notice certain changes, particularly with regards to atmosphere and climate. In accordance with the slow destruction of the universe, the earth will shake and moan, and chasms will open before your feet. Blood will rain from the skies, and indeed the lakes and oceans shall themselves be blood, and blood shall be all your water. Eventually the weary stars will nod their heads and close their eyes in eternal sleep, their fire exhausted. In the meantime, though, you will notice that most of your friends and coworkers have become zombies, stacks of rotting flesh that don’t even know enough to die – their souls extinguished, their wills vanquished, their eyes sightless, and so forth. Do you have any questions?”

One of his ears had fallen to the ground during his speech. He nudged the bit of flesh aside with the toe of his wingtips. The hems of his pants were held in place by pins.

“Who are you exactly?” I asked. “Do you have a name? Do you know who you were?”

“I am just a recording,” the zombie said.

“So I’m not a zombie,” I said. “Am I favoured by God somehow?”

“Are you kidding?” the zombie said. “Wait until your first cup of blood coffee. You’ll be begging for oblivion.”

A muted crunching noise issued from somewhere inside the zombie’s suit. His torso tilted drastically to the side and one leg buckled inward.

“That’s about it for me,” the zombie said. “I’d get to looting if I were you”.

“Thank you for coming by,” I said, polite to the end.

Facebook users are rocking the apocalypse today. I’m guessing that the most obvious choice is REM’s repetitive and annoying “It’s the End Of The World As We Know It (And I Feel Fine)”. That song would be so much better if the chorus only played once. Music nerds are posting lists of good doomsday tunes elsewhere — on Twitter, you can follow along through the hashtag #endtunes, a term  I swear I thought up all on my own for this post’s headline. Well, I guess it’s just an obvious phrase, isn’t it. Fine. I’m not bitter. (One time I invented the word “neologasm” and was all pleased with myself until I typed it into Google and saw it had already been invented 87 billion times.)

Here’s Blondie’s “Rapture”. H/T Tanis Fowler.

Had my alarm set for 10 a.m. this morning. While I was having breakfast, I listened to a Day Six interview by Brent Bambury on CBC Radio with academic Nicholas Guyatt who in 2007 wrote a book called Have A Nice Doomsday: Why Millions of Americans Are Looking Forward to the End of the World.

Fifty million, actually. That was Guyatt’s estimate, based on polling data, of the number of Americans who believe the world will end in their lifetime. Here’s a review on the book in the British on-line journal New Humanist.

Here’s a link to another article in New Humanist that delves deeper into the links between apocalyptic Christian dogma and U.S. politics and Middle East foreign policy.

If you were in Saskatoon, and were having your last supper, you might choose Park Cafe. I did and it was sinfully awesome. Yep, the legendary Park Burger was my swan song meal. I’m happy that the last food I tasted consisted of ample amounts of both grease and cheese. It set the perfect foundation for what was a fantastic last night in Saskatoon.  Look at that sucker.  Rapture indeed.

It was the start of a long night of friends and fun and a sunrise walk along the river.  Beauty.  You know what I won’t miss?  Mosquitos.  Unless of course Lucifer is reading the Dog Blog today and decides to throw biting insects into my eternal suffering repertoire.  It would still be better than Hitler’s pineapple every afternoon.

Time to get going.  A busy seven hours that starts with putting Achy Breaky Heart on repeat in my apartment, turning it up to 11 and leaving.  How do you like me now pricks on the second floor?  Kiss my ass.

Off to Winstons to watch the Bruins win the Stanley Cup.  In case you haven’t heard, the last NHL game of all time will be a one-off for the Cup.  Sorry Winnipeg, one Rapture too late!

Before I forget, please remember to max your credit cards out ASAP.

I imagine when the world ends sometime this afternoon – which is definitely happening, no question, no way is it not – some of us unrepentant sinners will leave behind some regrets, like things we haven’t yet accomplished that won’t be possible in a post-Rapture world, which, I hear, “will be a horror story beyond measure.”

Personally, I was looking forward to finishing my Spanish class. We were going to cover past tense next week! That’d be perfect to know on Sunday, when all I’ll want to be talking about are the wild, hedonistic times of the past.

We can at least take some solace in the knowledge that this little guy has probably managed to accomplish a life dream right here.

Considering all the things I’ve heard about how awful the post-Rapture world will be, I think most of that could probably be put down to R. Kelly scene when he is obviously thrown up to Heaven. I think worst case scenario for today is that his catalog gets Raptured too. A world sans R. Kelly, without “Real Talk” or “Ignition (Remix)” or any of his other numerous hits – that’s a true horror story.

Thanks to Mason for showing me this one.

If you’ve been following all your recent Rapture lore, New Zealand was supposed to be the first one hit. Yep, after the righteous were zipped up to Heaven, leaving clothes or Bibles or whatever else they had on their persons to just clatter and fall to the ground, the rest of the country was supposed to pay for its transgressions, like holding up production on The Hobbit.

Well, a couple of illustrative quotes from a Telegraph story:

Inhabitants of New Zealand, scheduled to be among the first to meet the apocalypse according to a US fundamentalist preacher, this morning confirmed they were still in existence as the appointed time was reached in their time zone.

There were also unconfirmed reports that Tonga has, thus far, failed to boil into the Pacific.

And a little bit more:

Similarly, on the Pacific islands whose clocks ticked over to 6pm before the fateful hour hit New Zealand, there was no evidence of a “super horror story” predicted by Camping – no zombies, no true believers hurtling skywards, no arch-angels and no trumpeters.

The article is decently snarky and, dare I say it, looks carefully done enough that it may have been written yesterday under the assumption that the Rapture wouldn’t happen. (Lord forbid.)

But here’s a question: can we trust the media on this? Speaking of a member of all the secret cabals, I’m sure in the event of the Rapture, there’d be memos going out like mad about how we’d tried to lie to you and cover it up, mostly for the hell of it.

I guess for all the Saskatchewan readers of this blog, you’ll just have to wait to see for yourselves. T-minus a little over ten hours.

So the world ends tomorrow. Such a shame. It was a good world. But 89-year-old Christian extremist Harold Camping has done the math and confirmed it. And if there’s one thing prairie dog doesn’t do it’s argue with solid math.

I’m confident that none of this is the egomaniacal delusion of a sad, elderly lunatic who’s so self-absorbed he thinks the Earth will end when he does. Why, Just look at this guy. From a profile of Camping in today’s Telegraph:

In 1970, Mr Camping published the Biblical Calendar of History, in which he dated the creation of the world to 11,013 BC and the flood which Noah survived to 4990BC. His timeframe was based on the idea that the word “begat” in the Old Testament does not necessarily imply an immediate father-son relationship, but could refer to a patriarch and a distant descendent.

That my friends is some solid-ass reasoning. So we’re all screwed, except for the Christians about to get raptured-up. Sadly I’m not Christian so I’ll be stuck here dealing with earthquakes and lava. If I’m lucky, I’ll get to hang around to the final battle of Armageddon on Oct. 21 at which point God will destroy the world.

Since you read prairie dog, you’re doomed too. So if you’re looking for something to do, keep an eye on this page tomorrow: we’ll blog end-of-the world updates throughout the day. We have correspondents in Regina, Saskatoon and even Las Vegas, surely the centre of all evil. Look for the posts with designer Awesome Klassen’s Doomsday! logo.

Hopefully Emmet will chime in from the west coast as well. I’ll want to know what that hell-bound heathen is thinking as it all goes down.

Anyway! Should be fun! Pull up a chair and celebrate the apocalypse with us! Just look for the tag “Dooom”.

And to them it was given that they should not kill them, but that they should be tormented five months: and their torment was as the torment of a scorpion, when he striketh a man. Revelation 9:5

End of Times kicks off tomorrow at 6 p.m. local time.

Are you prepared? My suggestion — get your freak on until about 5 p.m. tomorrow, leaving you one hour to apologize to God, thereby punching your ticket to salvation. In the event you fail to wake up from a 17 hour bender fuelled by booze, debauchery and fornication, expect a long line-up at the registration gates of Hell.

Let me give you a tip for when checking in to eternal damnation. Try to pick a short line. Nothing’s worse than a ten thousand year wait with a billion backlogged sinners.

I suggest you look for the Lawyer line. Yes, they are all going to Hell, however there are relatively few of them compared to Bigots, Liars, Cheaters, Greedy Assholes, Homophobes and Evangelicals. The latter six groups will have the longest lines despite there being HUGE overlap in the categories. Caution on the Lawyer line though, you’ll receive a bill of about $7000 for services rendered four weeks after admission. Satan loves irony.

Wanna save $7000? Though the line will be really long, Commercial Radio Fans will move quite quickly because the sound system in Hell plays Nickelback in perpetuity and the folks in this line will be so eager to get in that they’ll run through the gates like so many tone deaf Tweens busting into Britney Spears show.

Nazis and both Right and Left Wing Extremists will be combined in one line. The line will be average in length but it should be a lot of fun! People firmly rooted in ideology void of logic and common sense always provide belly laughs.

There’s a rumour going around that the Atheist/Agnostic line will be really short, but don’t fall for the ploy! If you give up your position in whatever line you land in (based on the initial living assessment filed by FAAC*) to seek out the Atheist/Agnostic line, you will discover it does not exist. Your wayfaring will put you at the back of your original line adding several hundreds of years to your wait.

It’s so unfortunate. We’ve had ample time to prepare for this, yet I expect the worst. Far too many of you don’t believe in fairy tales and unicorns and that lack of faith is gonna make this a damned long process.

*Fallen Angel Administrative Council