1. PLEASE SIR, MAY WE HAVE SOME MORE? THERE’S NOTHING LEFT IN OUR BOWL BUT SEPARATISTS. The press takes time to ponder Harper’s latest election strategy: making veiled threats about the future of our country if we don’t vote Conservative. Without Harper in power, we’ll be left to the mercies of “a coalition government”. Didn’t he do this before the last election? Didn’t Harper threaten to send us all into his deadlights?

"My fellow Canadians, we all float down here".

2. CBC TAKES A HARD LOOK AT ITSELF AND LIKES WHAT IT SEES. In response to complaints over publishing the story of a Manitoba judge and her nude bondage photos, CBC Manitoba sternly informs readers that they’re doing just fine, thank you. This is journalism here, not some blog.

3. REGINA AIRPORT AUTHORITY UNVEILS THEIR FULL BODY SCANNER. That’s right. Now the panopticon comes with convenient full-body imaging tech at the Regina International Airport. Said CATSA spokesperson Mathieu Larocque: “A lot of passengers were not comfortable with the pat-down search, and this is clearly an alternative.” Yes, and rat poison in milkshakes is clearly an ingredient. The piece assures readers that images can’t be stored or printed, which is funny, because it’s not true. Also, Regina Airport Authority CEO Jim Hunter says it’s “hard to say” if the new security measures will cause delays. Air travel: it’s still faster than driving there.

4. WAR IN IRAQ: IT’S OVER! President B.H. Obama announced yesterday that the war is over and the troops are coming home! If by “over” you mean “being fought elsewhere” and by “coming home” you mean “going to Afghanistan” and “staying in Iraq”. Whatever. Just wake me up when the unmanned drones land in Regina.

5. SCIENTISTS DECIPHER WHEAT’S GENETIC CODE. First humanity, and now, ten years later, wheat. At last we will know what this stuff is that surrounds the city.

6. I SAW THE BEST MINDS OF MY GENERATION HANDSOMELY ILLUSTRATED. Good news, nerds fans of Beat poetry and graphic novels! Allen Ginsberg’s 1955 poem “Howl” has been adapted in graphic novel format. The book is a tie-in project, or perhaps a spin-off, to accompany the upcoming Ginsberg biopic Howl, starring James Franco.