1 CONNAUGHT BE SAVED? Well hey, a 100-year-old Regina school might be demolished. Cool! I see a historic building, I know my first thought is SEND IN TEH DOZERS SMASHY SMASHY!!!!! And yet, weirdly, a lot of locals want to preserve this old school. Then again, people in this town get excited about digging holes. Don’t you hippies know it’s best to bulldoze everything beautiful so our children learn to keep their expectations in life low? And let’s not lose sight of the fact that Regina isn’t OUR city; it’s a profit vector for construction barons and resource magnates. All you dirty proles should be happy just to have schools.
(But seriously, if you give a shit get involved here.)
2 YESTERDAY’S SEAFOOD Walmart apologizes and Safeway audits its inventory after CBC finds outdated tins of tuna and shrimp on Vancouver grocery shelves. Public safety is apparently not in danger; public icky-feelings, on the other hand, are on the rise. The solution is obvious: we’ve got to get rid of best before labeling.
3 SASKATCHEWAN SENATOR HAS AN ONTARIO HEALTH CARD But I’m sure Pamela Wallin still meets legal residency requirements. SOOO sure! Come ON you guys she NEEDS an Ontario health card because she travels a lot… wait, forget I said that.
4 LEWD AND RUDE What is going on with everyone? The UK’s top Catholic is essentially forced to resign after obviously fellacious accusations of “inappropriate acts”. Meanwhile there’s all this salacious gossip about an alleged gay conclave in the Vatican. WHY ARE YOU DIRTY-MINDED HOOLIGANS SO SUSPICIOUS? Obviously there’s NOTHING naughty going on in the Church! These smears against pious sex abstainers and anti-birth control declaimers were clearly spread by homosexual agendavists.
5 TEN-DIGIT DIALING IS NOT LAME!!!!!!! You guys! Why does everyone here hate progress?
6 WE’RE #55! Canada is almost in the top 50 countries that are awesome at open government. That’s 50 out of, how many countries in the world? I’m gonna say two million. WOOOO!
BONUS: OSCAR FASHIONS Celebrity style has rarely looked so Oniony.