6-in-the-morning1 WINDS OF WAR Climate change, shockingly, could cause all kinds of horrible violence. Yeah, you think so? Massive shortages of food and water could lead to people killing each other? Really? I don’t believe it. Climate change is just a bunch of stuff made up by those scientists who dug up elephant bones and called them dinosaurs, anyway.

2 POOP YOUR PANTS, AMERICA! The U.S. State Department’s Herman Munster issues a global travel freak-out for Americans: Al Quada is coming for you! Possibly because the U.S.-backed Egyptian government has gone bonkers and is assassinating peaceful anti-coup demonstrators willy-nilly. I mean, I don’t like Islamists either, but you can’t just murder ’em, people. Jeez.

3 GET YOUR BIG GAY GREEN CARD HERE The U.S. State Department’s John “don’t get on that plane, it’s Al-Quada!” Kerry announced that his country will treat same-sex spouses the same as opposite-sex spouses in visa applications. Hell yeah! It’s about time!

4 THEY GUY WHO ALLEGEDLY TRIED TO SELL A VIDEO OF TORONTO MAYOR ROB FORD SMOKING CRACK HAS BEEN IN JAIL SINCE JUNE Huh. So maybe that’s why Gawker couldn’t buy the thing. So, do police have the video? Will they release it? Will they erase it because (my understanding is) they’re kinda pro-Ford? Interesting stuff. Gawker has more.

5 THAT JERK MUGABE “WON” ANOTHER ELECTION Poor Zimbabwe. Well, at least it was peaceful.

6 ASSHOLE BAMBI-KILLING GOVERNMENT THUGS What kind of a dysfunctional, over-militarized police state apparatus stages a commando raid on a no-kill animal shelter to kill a baby deer? An evil one, that’s what.

AT LEAST THE U.S. MILITARY-INDUSTRIAL COMPLEX IS GOOD FOR SOMETHING This video from Trask Industries reminds us that technology is the key to protecting humanity from the mutant threat. Chew on that, Magneto.