1 THE ECONOMY HAS A MILD CONTRACTION Which may or may not lead to the birth of a bouncing baby recession. Story here.

2 BUT THANK GOD OUR BANKS ARE PROFITABLE The CIBC declares a net, third quarter income of $808 million. It must be really fun running your own private tax system on people who need your services.

3 NO, THAT’S OKAY, BUT HEY, THANKS FOR ALL THE BOMBS AND AIR SUPPORT. THAT WAS GREAT Libya says no to NATO and UN troops. Sounds like Canada reallyreallyreally wants to keep playing, though.

4 A NEW HOSPITAL FOR MOOSE JAW The Sask Party government announces plans for a new facility to be open by 2015. The pre-election stretch is just like Christmas but with hospitals instead of chocolate Santas.

5 CRIME IS WAAAY DOWN IN REGINA That’s the facts, Jack. Your personal experiences may vary.

6 THE UNITED STATES INFECTED DYING PEOPLE WITH SYPHILIS IN THE 1940S, FOR REALS This is not a joke, it is a real, creepy as hell true fact.

AND ALSO THIS STUFF HAPPENED That stupid, evil Texas law forcing women seeking abortions to submit to sonograms designed to emotionally blackmail them into continuing their unwanted pregnancies has been found partially legally idiotic. Minorities are now majorities in eight large U.S. cities. We don’t have the brains, guts or foresight to reduce carbon emissions but hey, maybe we can shoot water into the sky to fight global warming. The United Sates is suing to block the AT&T/ T-Mobile merger, which is good. Dire Straits’ song “Money For Nothing’s “little faggot with the earring and the make-up” lyric isn’t hate — it’s satirical, says Canada’s Broadcast Standards Council (correctly I might add). Another severed foot washes ashore in British Columbia and also there’s a toddler-chewing cougar on the loose which I really would prefer they not shoot. Daryl Hannah was arrested outside the White House at a protest against the evil XL pipeline, good for her (and what’s this about a third Kill Bill film? And wait, didn’t her character die? That’s right, she didn’t!). Next year’s U.S. federal election will be cost politicians $6 billion.

ARE YOU A BIG NERD WITH A BIGGER BANK ACCOUNT? I might have found the car for you…