1 R.I.P. MANDI SCHWARTZ Dead from leukemia.
2 WHAT’S BIG, SALTY AND A GREAT PLACE TO DUMP RADIOACTIVE WATER? The ocean! Hooray!
3 SET MY LONG GUNS FREE (AND OTHER STORIES FROM THE CAMPAIGN TRAIL) Conservative leader Stephen Harper promises to scrap the long gun registry, and everyone is simply flabbergasted at this utterly unexpected development on the campaign trail. Also the photo with this article is hilarious. Meanwhile, the NDP’s Jack Layton wants to raise CPP contributions to increase senior’s pensions payments while the Liberals want to provide “full support” to veterans for up to four years of college or university. And a good thing too, because those awful federal governments in the 90s trashed “support” for Canadian university and college students. I sure wish I could remember what political party was running the show back then. These days people need “full support” to get through their programs!
4 STUPID, STUPID RACISTS A musician was beaten unconscious in Surray BC by a small mob of racist idiots. The idiots have been apprehended and the musician is recovering.
5 CRAZY PERSON ATTACKS AWESOME PAINTING, PAINTING APPEARS UNHARMED It takes a special kind of bad chemicals to make someone beat on a Gauguin painting while yelling “this is evil!” Also, why is this news, or at least art story in The Washington Post’s “lifestyle” section?
6 MEANWHILE, HORRIBLE THINGS ARE HAPPENING IN LESS OILY PARTS OF THE WORLD. It’s bad in the Ivory Coast. Very, very bad.
ALSO! Obama, shockingly, wants to be re-elected a president of the United States. Also, that Koran-burning pastor sounds like a total dick. Of course, the murdering zealot fucks he inspired are a million times worse. A junior Conservative staffer thinks the PM’s re-election media strategy is “stupid”. A Libyan woman who says she was detained and raped by Libyan soldiers is free. The United States wants Yemen’s president gonzo. Stephen Harper says the Conservatives wouldn’t change the way they govern with a majorityhahahaHAHAHA, good one. And did you hear about the plane that crashed in Saskatoon?
Finally did you catch the new Green Lantern footage that went online this weekend? It’s substantially less crummy than the crummy trailer. Not a “WOOOOO!” to be heard. I will now consider seeing this dumb film.