1. US TO IMPOSE NEW SANCTIONS ON NORTH KOREA. Because those North Koreans have it too good. “These measures are not directed at the people of North Korea, who have suffered too long due to the misguided priorities of their government,” Ms. Clinton said. “They are directed at the destabilizing, illicit, and provocative policies pursued by that government.”

2. KELLY OSBOURNE’S PUPPY DIED. According to Kelly, “My life could not get any worst right now“. Please send prayers and healing thoughts her way, because good wishes have been proven to resurrect dogs.

3. CONSTANCE MCMILLEN TO GET $35,000 FOR FAKE PROM SCAM. McMillen, the teen lesbian whose Mississippi school devised a fake prom to keep her from bringing a ladydate to her big night, is getting a settlement. Reports have not said whether she gets the ghost of Kelly Osbourne’s dog, but fingers crossed.

4. REGINA/SASKATOON CRIME RATES CONTINUE TO FALL. STILL #1 IN CANADA THOUGH. Fortunately for all us Reginigonians, we beat out Saskatoon to land at #1 on StatsCan’s Crime Severity Index (Saskatoon landed at #3 in the country, right behind vicious Kelowna). We’re number crime! We’re number crime!

5. WINNIE THE HULK. That is all (really, click on that link). Also, “Bear with head stuck in jar continues to elude Ontario wildlife officials”.

6. MICHIGAN WOMAN GETS UNEXPECTED TWO POUNDS OF POT IN THE MAIL. I’m just amazed that a two-pound package of marijuana made it through the US postal system without, getting, you know, “diverted”.