1 BUT YOU SHOULD PROBABLY DO IT ANYWAY. A study of 1,000 pregnant Malaysian women has not shown a correlation between “acts of coitus” and early onset of labour. So you can all stop having sex to nudge your future along, and do it because sex is usually better than whatever’s on television right now.
Hold on, I’m going to verify that last assertion. Oh, there’s an episode of 30 Rock on. Can I get back to you guys in a half hour?
2 GAYS Y U BE SO GAY? The Alberta School Boards Association has soundly rejected a proposal intended to prevent discrimination against gay staff and students. One alternative solution, according to trustee Dale Scheffick, is for children to “hide their gayness.” Look, straight kids, I know how hard it is to be straight in today’s effeminate world — after all, you’re just minding your own business, and suddenly this gay kid comes along flaunting his gayness and special gay rights all over you! — but when you grow up, you’ll discover that the homosexual-liberal elite who control everything will look favourably on you if you treat gays nicely. They’ll give you a special iron-on patch that you can use to get all the good jobs and hot babes and so on.
3 NOW TO PLAN MY ENEMY’S VACATION A group of curious Australian scientists took a trip to visit Sandy Island, a small body of land in the Coral Sea, only to discover that it’s not there. They found lots of water, though. Apparently the island has been appearing on maps for years, including Google Maps. No word on whether they discovered, as Pip did in Moby Dick, “God’s foot on the treadle.” Pip goes overboard and descends into madness from contemplating the vast loneliness of the firmament, you see.
4 GET YER CHEMO HERE. NO, NOT YOU. A refugee who was diagnosed with cancer after coming to Canada has been denied treatment by the federal government. This compassion-lite response is the result of changes announced last spring to to the interim federal health program, which provides temporary health coverage for refugees and other groups not normally covered under provincial health programs. The changes are apparently designed to make sure that no scheming refugee takes advantage of the federal government’s generosity.
Fortunately for the refugee, the province is stepping up to cover the cost of treatment while they “continue discussions” with the feds. Yes, good luck with that. I’m certain that the feds weren’t counting on this kind of response from the provinces all along.
5 ISRAEL FINDS OUT ABOUT THAT LABOUR ONSET STUDY. Israel began pulling troops out of Gaza today, withdrawing from full-scale penetration, probably when they realized that an actual sustained incursion would not give birth to a lasting victory. Unsurprisingly, both sides are claiming that they came out on top — although if you’re going by strict arithmetic, Israel killed a lot more people. I mean, they went to town on the bodies of men, women, children — you name it, they killed it. Mind you, Hamas tried launching rockets into Jerusalem, but most were “knocked out of the sky” by Israel’s anti-missile system.
6 AND FINALLY, the parade of fakery, manipulation and dodgy editing known as The Bachelor Canada ended, as the dullest man in the country selected a suitable mate for inflicting his square-jawed spawn on a world too weak to resist. Her name is Bianka. Good luck, you crazy kids!
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