1. THEY EVEN TURN UP SLOWLY. A Brazilian family rediscovered their pet tortoise in the attic as they were cleaning out the space. The pet had gone missing in 1982. This is the greatest news story of all time.
2. SEVEN YEARS, FIVE BUCKS, 10 HOURS. ONE LAWSUIT. New York City cops arrested a seven year old boy, put him in handcuffs and detained him for 10 hours (police claim it was only half that time). But it’s completely justified, folks — the boy was accused of stealing five dollars from another child. Falsely, as it turns out. So it works out for everyone! Except for the traumatized child. And the infuriated parents. And the NYPD, which is being sued for $250 million. Also society.
3. CONGRATULATIONS, NEARLY EVERY ADULT I’VE EVER MET. YOU HAVE MORE MONEY THAN ZIMBABWE. How much money does the country of Zimbabwe currently have? According to the government, $217.00. Yup.
4. ISLAMISTS INEFFECTIVE. Apparently the recent attempt to burn the Ahmed Baba Institute only destroyed a small percentage of the more than 300,000 texts stored there. This is a pleasing instance of fanatics’ ineptitude with fire.
5. WHAT? Three Conservative MPs, including Saskatoon’s own Maurice Vellacott, have asked the RCMP in a letter to investigate abortions performed after 19 weeks as “possible homicides.” You get it? They put it in writing. And they didn’t clear it with Harper’s office. Vellacott sincerely believes that this will not embarrass the government. Because he is an idiot.
6. BEYONCE TEACHES US HOW TO LIVE. Beyoncé Knowles faced the media today over accusations that she had lip synced the Star Spangled Banner at Obama’s inauguration. And instead of offering denials or explanations, she pulled the mic from the stand and belted out the national anthem again. That’s how you be awesome.