1. FLIP SHUTS ITS GLASS EYE, BUT ONLY TEMPORARILY. Flip Eatery on Hamilton has voluntarily closed its doors after a group of E. coli cases was traced back to the restaurant. Don’t blame Flip, though; E. coli has been going around lately. The modern world is a confounding contradiction of shining surfaces and bacterial horror. The microbial world, it’s the new Evil Empire.

2. THIS IS THE BEST EXPLANATION OF THE PRESIDENTIAL DEBATE YET. David Rees of Get Your War On responds to a post-debate Obama fundraising email. Seriously, read it.

3. THIS HOMOPHOBIC SLUR IS ACTUALLY OLDER THAN ME. The North Vancouver School District is apologizing to Robin Tomlin for a 1970 yearbook photo caption. The caption? “Fag.” Tomlin is pleased that an apology is forthcoming.

3.5 OMG guys I’m watching Point Break for the first time and Keanu Reeves is totally about to get his face lawmowered off.

4. THE SIMPSONS PREDICTS THE FUTURE, UNFORTUNATELY. Remember that fantastic classic Simpons episode where Homer sues an all-you-can-eat seafood restaurant after being kicked out? Well, fiction repeats itself, first as farce, then as more farcical farce.

5. HA HA YOU SUCK PALEONTOLOGISTS OR WHATEVER MAMMOTH SCIENTISTS ARE. An 11 year-old Russian boy stumbled across the carcass of a 30,000 year-old woolly mammoth. We now know for sure that mammoths don’t live for 30,000 years.

6. WHAT? Just who is Pat Fiacco’s father-in-law? This makes no sense.