6-in-the-morning1 THE U.S. NEARLY NUKED NORTH CAROLINA Yikes. Maybe us humans shouldn’t have stockpiles of these insanely dangerous weapons?


3 SHOPPING MALL MASSACRE: 62 DEAD AND COUNTING Kenyan security forces have regained control of a shopping mall that was the scene of a massacre perpetrated by horrible Islamist douchebags. Some of the horrible douchebags are apparently still be holed up in the mall, so this isn’t over yet.

4 ANDREA MERKEL LOOKS FOR DANCE PARTNERS Germany’s conservative Christian Democrat party had a pretty good election result but to form government it will need to form a coalition with another party. Coalitions: other countries have ’em.

5 ONLY ASSHOLES BURN BOOKS Some ignorant creep or creeps torched a free neighbourhood micro library because that’s what dummies do.

6 RIGHT ON, POPE FRANCIS… OH WAIT The pope correctly says that his church is too obsessed with abortion and gay marriage. Twenty-four hours later, he inanely blasts abortion as “throw-away culture”. Well, baby steps, I guess.

BONUS NEWS: Here’s the latest climate change news and it’s not good; Calgary’s flood was the most expensive natural disaster in Canadian history; Quebec has launched a commission into police violence and the spring 2012 student protests; Charges have been laid in a Saskatchewan hazing incident; the next Star Wars movie apparently wants a Wookiee; former child soldier and Guantanamo detainee Omar Khadir wants to be moved to a provincial prison;   lotta racists rallied for racism in Quebec; Blackberry is in big, big trouble; a Saskatooner doesn’t like strip clubs; and I’m sick and I don’t like it. I blame Autmun.