IT’S THE COMPANY YOU KEEP Using the logic Senator Pam Wallin uses in Wednesday’s Globe and Mail column, my mother, who hasn’t lived in the Auld Country since she married my father and moved to Canada in 1961, should be eligible to represent Scotland in the House of Lords. But Wallin should know better: the discussion of where she lives as opposed to what region she represents in the Canadian Senate is a crock. Her job is to genuflect on The Greatness That Is Stephen Harper, and to do that, it doesn’t matter whether she picks up her mail in Wadena, Toronto or Qo’nos, the home planet of the Klingon Empire.

IT’S THE COMPANY YOU KEEP (PART 2) Liberal Leadership candidate Justin Trudeau came in for some grief recently when he questioned the quality of Senate appointments made by Prime Minister Harper. In a way he’s quite naive to expect people to merely acquiesce in changing the porkers feeding at the public trough. But Trudeau is right in a way. Mr. Armchair Psychologist says that Harper is a deeply insecure person, and like everyone who has put himself in a totalitarian position (Hitler, Stalin, Richard III, Nixon, Dick Cheney), Harper surrounds himself with people who appear incapable of independent thought or action because he’s scared that if anyone else can prove they can do a better job than him, they could potentially oust him.

SOMEWHERE AN NRA MEMBER IS CONSIDERING CHRISTOPER DORNAN A PATRIOT One of the major reasons the National Rifle Association says Americans need their guns is that that they need to be able to take on the government when (in their opinion) the government is acting tyrannically. It seems to me that Christopher Dornan filled all the boxes in the NRA’s checklist … and look what happened to him

HE ALSO TESTED POSITIVE FOR BALL Hedo Turkoglu, during his time with the NBA’s Toronto Raptors, didn’t do much for his mega-salary except exhale carbon dioxide, which the plants in the Air Canada Centre need to breathe. He’s now with Orlando Magic, one of the NBA’s worst teams – or, he will be in 21 games, after he serves his suspension for taking banned substances. This merely gives me an excuse to YouTube the greatest interview in Canadian basketball history.

THIS IS WHY GARRY BREITKREUZ NOW WANTS THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT TO PROHIBIT THE REGISTRATION OF DILDOS An Ontario Provincial Police officer, a Toronto tow-truck driver, an interrogation room, and two sex toys. Usually, the porno parody comes first. Thankfully, the charges against the tow-truck driver were dropped.

YOUR MUSICAL MOMENT OF ZEN In honour of the number six on this list, here’s Naughty By Nature with … wait for it …