Getting Bribed Is Sweet, I’m SO Voting Harper This Fall*

pierep01Our family received our Universal Child Care Benefit notice yesterday. We’ve two kids — one under six — so our payout is ENORMOUS. Man, being bribed is AWESOME. I had no idea. No wonder FIFA runs on this stuff. And runs like a stallion. Do you know how much beer I can buy with the kind of scratch that’s coming my way all because I reproduced?

Friggin’ loads. Thank you, sperm.

The only disappointing thing about this UCCP mailer is that it doesn’t come with nearly enough Harper Government™ branded advertising material. Considering this payout to Canada’s breeders is costing $3 billion, I was hoping to get a foldout poster of Pierre Poilievre that I could hang on my wall.

Wotta man, that Pierre Poilievre! He’s the minister in charge of this pre-election payday and proof that there’s nothing sexier than naked, naked hypocrisy. Have you checked out his website lately? That’s a screen cap from today at the top of this blog post. But the details can be a little hard to pick out. Here, let me blow it up for you…


That’s right. Not only is he putting up randomly loading inspirational quotes written by Pierre Himself (because he puts the goddamn “koan” in “Conservative”), but he also has the stones to lecture us about how Canada wasn’t built on freebies at the exact same time as he’s handing out billions of dollars in freebies to Canadians — the single largest handout in Canadian history.

Unless you count the annual $34 billion in corporate welfare going out to the energy industry.

pierep02Later, after you let the javascript work its magic, Pierre drops this enigmatic pearl: “Government cannot give anything without first taking it away.” Which, when you think about it, kind of perfectly distills why the UCCB program he was touting just a second early is a massively inefficient waste of public money.

It also makes me wonder what he’s doing with that child at the Strandherd-Armstrong bridge opening — giving her to her mom or taking her away?

I’d be careful if I were you, lady.

* No. I’m not.

Author: Paul Dechene

Paul Dechene is 5'10'' tall and he was born in a place. He's not there now. He's sitting in front of his computer writing his bio for this blog. He has a song stuck in his head. It's "Girl From Ipanema", thanks for asking. You can follow Paul on Twitter at @pauldechene and get live updates during city council meetings and other city events at @PDcityhall.

2 thoughts on “Getting Bribed Is Sweet, I’m SO Voting Harper This Fall*”

  1. Taxy mathy ppl have run the numbers, too, and it turns out thru a combo of cuts to other reproductive-incentives like the universal child care tax credit and the fact you pay tax on the UCCB, that pre-election payday ends up being not very significant at all, it’s like an advance on future losses. Not unlike a six-month, low-interest cash advance from your credit card company.

  2. As long as you pay off that credit card balance and don’t inure more debt. Why bother? Its not worth it.

    I do agree is very nice. “Tapioca?? can spawn? after all” My gold was put back in the government’s hands. Utilities that is. no booze or drugs for this home.

    I don’t mind declaring the income. I put on my children’s extra curricular activites. Heck make even more money in tax credits. That is “legit”. no need for false expense claims or overly charging pharmaceutical costs. lol

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