1. HOUSING INDUSTRY IN THE STATES UNABLE TO STOP DEFRAUDING EVERYTHING ALL THE TIME. Remember when banks and home buyers and mortgage brokers and the rest of Wall Street all got together and helped bring about the most massive financial collapse since the Great Depression? The story isn’t over yet: Ally Financial, America’s fourth largest home lender, signed off on foreclosures without bothering to read the paperwork or even sign off on it. In other words, an unspecified number of foreclosures were carried out in 23 states without verification of crucial details, rendering them illegal. And since the nation’s other major lenders used Ally to handle foreclosure paperwork – well, you see where this is going. Suffice it to say that many homeowners across the States just got a temporary reprieve.
2. AND DROPPING A HAMMER ON YOUR FOOT RESULTS IN MYSTERIOUS PAINFUL SWELLING. Federal investigators have determined that a 2008 plane crash in B.C.’s Sunshine Coast was the result of bad weather. “Flying in bad weather risks lives,” said Bill Yearwood of the Transportation Safety Board. Ah… I see.
3. HAS-BEENS GET JOBS! WE CAN RELAX AND POKE OUT OUR EYEBALLS NOW. Formerly interesting people Jennifer Lopez and Steven Tyler are officially part of the new roster of American Idol judges, Fox announced. The people with actual careers have gone back to their professional lives. Randy Jackson remains.
4. SASKATOON IS JUST NOT TAKING THINGS FAR ENOUGH. Saskatoon owns 229,000 cars between 220,000 people. That is ridiculous. If my math is correct, that means each Saskatonian owns 1.04 cars. How do you drive around with one car and, I dunno, an extra tire glued to the hood? This also means that babies and people in permanent vegetative states own 1.04 vehicles. I’m not visiting a city where people in comas or kids perched on a bunch of telephone books are driving down 8th Street at rush hour in their crazy overmassed cars. Let’s bring in another 211,000 vehicles. That’s enough to ensure two cars for every last soul in the city limits. The babies will need an extra car after they smash up the first one.