1 THE BEST STORY YOU’LL READ TODAY WITH THE PHRASE “DEATH-LIKE SMELL EMANATING FROM THE BATHROOM.” Thinking of turning your home into a bed and breakfast while you jet off to some other part of the world? Read this cautionary tale and think again. Or go ahead and do it, I don’t care.

2 HE WAS PRUNED FOR OUR SINS. Did a Littleton man really spot the figure of our crucified saviour in creeping plant form on a local telephone pole? You bet he did.

3 SEE THE CARCINOGENIC U.S.A. IN YOUR CHEVROLET. Okay, perhaps not the entire United States. But the roads of North Dakota can give you cancer. Or more precisely, the roads of Dunn County, North Dakota. 300 miles of roads and parking lots are paved with a local gravel that’sĀ full of erionite, an asbestos-like substance that acts on your body in asbestos-like ways.

Asbestos gives you cancer, you see.

4 CLOWNS! CLOWNS! CLOWNS! A Congress of Clowns!