1. BUT WHAT DO WE CALL THEM? WOLLASTANIANS? WOLLASTANITES? Residents of Wollaston and Hatchet Lake First Nation have arrived in Saskatoon after being evacuated from their homes. The wildfire has now consumed some 4,200 hectares.

2. AND SOMETIMES YOU DON’T NEED ANY HELP AT ALL. Jack Kevorkian, the medical pioneer who became best known for his work in helping terminally ill patients choose their own time of death, died at the age of 83 in a hospital. A pulmonary thrombosis did all the work for him.

3. HERE COME THE STRIKES. Negotiations have failed, and now Canada Post employees are embarking on a series of rotating walk-outs. Winnipeg postal workers were the first to take to the streets and walk back and forth, back and forth, back and forth. Wait, how is this different from their actual jobs?*

4. THEY’RE ACTUALLY GOING TO BUILD A GIANT DEATH RAY. CONSIDER YOURSELVES WARNED. A team of researchers at the U of R has been awarded a $1.25 million dollar research grant to study the response of communities to droughts and flooding and to determine the extent to which these events are related to climate change. Lead researcher and geography professor Dave Sauchyn plans to divert the funds into the ┬áconstruction a giant plasma weapon, which will he use to destroy the New York Stock Exchange unless the UN gives up the secret entrance to the Hollow Earth. Or something like that.

*I kid, I kid.