1. WHO CARES ANYMORE? The Dow Jones Industrial Average took a brutal plunge in the wake of recent economic reports. What did these reports say? That the U.S. economy is still tanking. Can we not just accept that the world economy is in permanent roller coaster mode? Or maybe we can stick the stock markets and all the traders in a big domed amusement park. Then we can all get on with getting quietly drunk and waiting for the roller coaster to soar off into space.

2. WOMEN REMAIN UNAWARE OF STROKE WARING SIGNS. A Heart and Stroke Foundation study has shown that, for whatever reason, Canadian women are less adept than men at identifying the warning signs of a stroke. Women out there! Take heed of these warning signs! Symptoms include dizziness, blurred vision and reading itemized news lists on the internet.

3. HARPER SPOKESMAN LOOKING FOR WORK. Harpers’ director of communications Dimitri Soudas has stepped down from his post. Presumably he’s now looking for another job, so if any HR people are reading this? Don’t hire him.

4. HAPPY BIRTHDAY MARILYN MONROE! YOU’RE DEAD. If people were sane, they would not be celebrating the birthday of someone who’s been dead for decades. But we are not sane, and we never have been. So happy 85th birthday, Marilyn! You’re bones!