1 TWICE YOUR TROUBLE This is basically a sitcom plot gone horribly, horribly wrong. A lady went to bed with one twin, then woke up to find the other twin having sex with her. Not cool. Twin #2, A.K.A. Creepy Twin, has since appealed his conviction on the matter, recently presenting it to the Supreme Court of Canada. No go, says Supreme Court. Seems like this is just a creepy waste of their time.

2 QUEEN PREPARES SILLY SPEECH, AT LEAST HAS IT IN ON TIME Reading the subject of the Queen’s Christmas nation – “importance of sport as a medium that can help build communities and create harmony” – makes the speech seem more than a little unnecessary. If you have an an annual platform that, in theory, could reach millions of people around the world, why not amp up the subject matter? For whatever reason, this just reminds me of a Grade Five essay I wrote where I summed up a “spoiler” (that was ultimately proved wrong, FYI) for The Phantom Menace.

3 WE GOT THE GUY Congratulations, everyone – we’ve found the fellow responsible for all our economic woes. Meet Christopher Kenneth George Gibson, a Regina-based money counterfeiter who recently plead out to several related offenses. In what was reported as a heartfelt statement to the court, Gibson “took the opportunity to apologize, including to ‘the economy.'” Well, now we know who did it.

4 IF THEY SLIP AND FALL, AT LEAST THEIR ENVIRONMENT WILL BE FESTIVE Some Montreal residents are getting pissy about Canada Post asking them to take Christmas decorations off their banisters. If the people that have to mount hundreds of stairs every day, often in really bad weather conditions around this time of year, ask you to clear your banisters so that they can have that tiny bit of assurance, keep your banisters clear. Just because plastic garlands everywhere is part of your yule-time tradition doesn’t mean anyone should have to risk life and limb.

And Merry Christmas all!