Take a break from compiling your super sweet all Merril Bainbridge Valentine’s Day mixtape and come hang out with me in the Aw NHL Naw tree fort. We’ve got Kool-Aid Jammers and wigs up in this fort!
Sharpen Your Teeth: Alleged man-biter Mikhail Grabovski will not be suspended for his alleged biting of Montreal hockey man Max Pacioretty. I always enjoy the avalanche of “this doesn’t belong in our sport” grandstanding that comes after biting incidents in sports. I WILL STAND UP AGAINST UNSANCTIONED MUNCHING! Well of course you’re anti getting eaten. We’re all anti getting eaten. There are entire genres of movies, books and video games built around the “gee whiz, getting eaten is so inconvenient” instinct that lives within us all.
This is going to lead to a bunch of bonkers bananacakes nonsense on Feb. 27 that is going to be about MEN MEN-ING EACH OTHER SO HARD IN THE MEN ZONE. Leafs/Habs pre-game hype is almost always HISTORY FART FART FART unbearable, so this will probably lead to me suffering a goddamn aneurysm. I did enjoy how Leafs fans fell into a state of delirium after Toronto waxed Montreal 6-0. If you were just going off the reaction on Twitter, you’d think Cody Franson commemorative stamps would be popping up at a Canada Post location near you. Considering that doomsday cults occasionally get signs of prophecies coming true every once in a while, why not the Leafs too? Heck, they’re sort of a doomsday cult in their own right.
Quick Note For Anyone That Is A Fan Of A Sports Franchise: Knock it off with that “____ Nation” shit. It’s the worst. Why are you trying to emulate Boston Red Sox fans? That’s like actively modelling your life after the paddle swingers from a shut down (yet still functioning) frat house.
Glove theft guffaws: This warmed my heart, although it should be noted that the turnbuckle analogy makes no sense. (h/t Puck Daddy)
Columbleh: On Tuesday, the Columbus Blue Jackets finally got around to firing general manager and executive VP Scott Howson. Columbus has only had two general managers in their franchise history and both have been absolute fucking disasters. First, there was Doug MacLean (Have you ever seen Doug MacLean on Sportsnet and not immediately felt the urge to Liu Kang bicycle kick the screen?) followed by the strategic dynamo that was Howson. If John Davidson wasn’t there as President of Hockey Operations, there’s a pretty good chance the Blue Jackets would just make an artistic rendering of hope being executed their general manager. (At least an artistic rendering would probably pull the trigger on a better Rick Nash trade.) My guess is that Jarmo Kekalainen getting hired has Columbus’s Little Helsinki district going fucking buckwild. Dude has three first round picks in 2013. I thought that was the sort of thing that only happens when you play “franchise mode”. It’s gonna be a fascinating draft.
Ayn Rand’s Goaltending School For Tots: I know Tim Thomas isn’t going to report to the Islanders, but does this mean that the club still acquires his dufflebag of crudely Xeroxed John Galt pamphlets?
Holy shit, I have one fucking enormous potato head: My big dumb head popped up on MTV this week and GAAAAAAAH I am not a good looking man. I mean, I’ve always known that I’m not “traditionally” good looking, but it’s a whole other ballgame to see my giant ogre-esque face on a big screen TV. I’ve watched porn on this television and I still recoiled way harder at my own face than I have at close ups of blown out rashy buttholes. My vanity was fucking hemorrhaging everywhere.
Go ahead, watch it. DO I EVEN HAVE EYES? ARE THOSE THINGS I CALL EYES JUST TINY BUTTONS THAT MY MOM SEWED INTO MY GLUE WHITE FLESH? IS MY GIN BLOSSOM NOSE ON LOAN FOR AN 1880s EDITORIAL CARTOON? HAS MY HAIR ALWAYS LOOKED LIKE IT’S ON LOAN FROM A DUTCH SEX OFFENDER? WHY DOES MY FOREHEAD JUST KEEP GOING? SHOULDN’T IT STOP SOMEWHERE?
That said, I think I have nice lips. I thought those really popped on camera.
(Also, I really enjoyed being a part of Losing It. It’s a great show and I was happy to appear on it.)
Enjoy your many litres of hockey this week!