Time for an all new Aw NHL Naw: The only hockey column blessed by the new Pope!
(Legal Note: The self proclaimed Pope that blessed this column was a dude with two eye patches made out of Rice Krispies boxes. He threw a half finished Ginger Ale at me on the bus. I believe his name was Dale. God bless him.)
Meet Me Half Way: The 2013 NHL Regular Season is past the halfway point. Exciting stuff, right? WE DID IT! WE’RE HALFWAY TO OUR GOAL! WE’RE GONNA SAVE THE YOUTH CENTRE, 1/2 PRICE SMOOTHIES FOR EVERYONE, etc. Put away the 2013 first half of the season commemorative plates everybody, things are going to be moderately different for the second half of the season.
The first half of the season kinda/sorta doesn’t mean shit this year. If you’re a Florida Panthers fan (which is like being a “despair fan” or a “I dropped my cheeseburger behind the washing machine fan”), your crappy team can still make the playoffs. As I type this, the Panthers are only 8 (8!) points out of a playoff spot. Shit, your beer league team is probably only 14 points away from the top spot in the Southeast Division. (Yes, even with Geoff selling his goalie equipment for meth again.) Shortened season fever: catch it!
Additional Florida Panthers Grrr Swipe What The Fuck Note: Six of Florida’s 20 points this year have come from overtime/shootout losses. This is because ice hockey is dumbcakes sometimes. The National Hockey League awards one point for an overtime or shootout loss because a team has “earned” that point. I understand handing out a point for a game that ends in a tie or distributing additional points during The Great Depression, but there’s no need to give teams a point for a loss because “NICE HUSTLE, FELLAS”. I’m like 60% sure that each franchise pays players for their hockey services. (In Phoenix, each player gets to pick something from behind the glass at Ruckers. WHAT ARE YOU DOING, DAVID MOSS? YOU CAN’T FEED YOUR FAMILY WITH KOOSH BALLS!) If hockey players are so tough, they can handle the loss of a charity point. The NHL could give the leftover points to needy families that could use the points in their day-to-day activities.
Ad Break: Come see Neil Wilkinson become sexually aroused by our anthem singer! It’s fun for the whole family!
Rough Trade: The trade deadline is coming up in a couple weeks. *throws confetti in the air* So get ready for loads and loads of trade rumours that aren’t based in reality (Claude Giroux to WHATEVER CANADIAN CITY IS REPORTING THE STORY for two prospects and a unicorn) and the blue balls of trade deadline day. Sure, trade deadline day is all sexy and exciting as an idea, but in practice it becomes HOPE YOU LIKE MIKE COMMODORE BEING A THING DAY in a hurry.
It’s probably impossible to watch any trade deadline stuff as a Flames fan. The Flames have committed to never rebuilding. Nope. No future for Calgary, thank you. Presumably because the future is for Terminator robots and not for human beings. Harvey The Hound will lead a scrappy resistance, but it won’t pan out. JUST FUCKING REBUILD YOU GOOFY FUCKS! Who is this 9th Place Fever franchise strategy benefitting? Jarome Iginla could be made out of paper mache and some dumbass franchise will still trade you draft picks for him. Get your Orange Juice on and rip it up and start again. Give people hope, for goodness sakes. Shit, at least fans of the Islanders and the Blue Jackets have the illusion that things will get better. DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT, N. MURRAY EDWARDS? CHARLES WANG LOOKS LIKE FUCKING MOSES COMPARED TO YOUR OWNERSHIP GROUP! I HAVE TO WATCH YOUR SHITBALL TEAM SOMETIMES AND IT IS JUST THE FUCKING WORST! YOU ARE THE AIRPORT APPLEBEES OF HOCKEY FRANCHISES! START OVER, YOU RIDICULOUS COWBOY DICKLICKS!
Additional Ad Break: The Tampa Bay Lightning: Now with less Darren Puppa!
WHY ARE YOU TOUGH TALKING ANDREW SULLIVAN, YOU STUPID HOCKEY PLAYERS? ALL HE WANTS TO DO IS GET PEOPLE TO SEE YOU FUCKFACES AT YOUR HOME HOCKEY CONTESTS! GAAAAAAAAAAAH!
A lot of caps lock this week, eh? Apologies. Have a good hockey guzzle this week.