Do you have playoff fever all up in them guts yet? Of course you do. You’re probably dehydrated, disoriented and vomiting up a storm. With the Stanley Cup Playoffs set to kick off on Tuesday, here’s a helpful guide letting you know who will be competing for
custody of their children hockey’s grandest prize.
Deep In The Cups: A Handy Dandy Guide To This Year’s Playoff Teams
The Penguins (a hockey team you may know from Jean-Claude Van Damme’s gripping documentary Sudden Death) look disgustingly good this year. Sickening, gagging, etc. They’ve managed to continue to look like a fucking Megazord of a club even with Crosby, Malkin, Neal, Letang, Martin, Nightcrawler and Phife Dawg all out of the lineup due to injury. Plus they added the bargain bin Expendables to the roster this year, which makes them even scarier. They’re scarier looking than dinosaur ghosts, I tells ya!
Of course, this could be one of those years where Fleury’s dogshit in the playoffs and it all goes down in flames. (A dude couldn’t have two 0.834% SV% campaigns in a row, right?) Playoff fever: continue to catch it!
Best Thing About A Penguins Stanley Cup Win: Jarome Iginla hoists the cup.
Worst Thing About A Penguins Stanley Cup Win: Kevin Stevens sells the cup and bits of Crosby’s jaw for crack. (But like real good crack, dude.)
I’m not a big Bruins guy, but holy shit am I a Rene Rancourt fan. Boston sports being represented by a moustachioed dandy that fist pumps after singing the anthem? Yes please! The bits of Boston sports where everyone thinks they’re in The Departed can fuck off though. IRISH GLIP GLAP GLADOO!
Best Thing About A Bruins Stanley Cup Win: A city that’s been through some unpleasantness gets a trophy (95% silver, 5% nickel) and Zdeno Chara is fed large racks of lamb and dragon ribs by grateful villagers.
Worst Thing About A Bruins Stanley Cup Win: Dropkick Murphys keep making songs for (1/4) Irish skinheads to kick you in the chest to.
Y’all motherfuckers doubted Adam Oates, but he turned it around. He turned around (*pauses to analyze*) an underachieving talent-caked roster in a shitball division and had the Caps valiantly beating out a Winnipeg based rec league team to grab a playoff spot. Okay, so maybe this isn’t exactly a Lazarus Pit kinda revival. Ovechkin’s fun again. At least there’s that. *confetti gun goes off*
Best Thing About A Capitals Stanley Cup Win: hahahahahahahahafuckyouDaleHunterhahahahaha (Also Barack Obama might finally catch a game.)
Worst Thing About A Capitals Stanley Cup Win: Ted Leonsis puts his balls in the cup. He has that sort of look about him.
Fuck me, I hate watching Canadiens playoff games. When they’re at home, they do this thing where a child in a Canadiens jersey “lights” the ice with a torch. What the fuck is your problem, Montreal? NO AMOUNT OF HISTORY CAN JUSTIFY DIGITAL FLAMES ALL OVER THE ICE! AND PEOPLE CHEER THE FUCKING FLAME! YAY! GO SYMBOLISM AND SHIT! Why stop there? They should have Bonhomme and Maurice Richard breakdancing on the ice in lazer form.
Best Thing About A Canadiens Stanley Cup Win: Everyone in Canada gets the month of July off.
Worst Thing About A Canadiens Stanley Cup Win: Youppi! gets drunk on power and goes on a murder spree. He’ll be acquitted and become a star MP shortly after.
Toronto Maple Leafs
That sound you heard is CBC and TSN sharing a mindblowing orgasm that will require at least 20 rolls of paper towels to clean up. Yup, this is happening. Even if the Leafs get swept in the first round, you can expect Randy Carlyle’s sour face to be permanently burnt into your TV screen. No matter what happens, Dion Phaneuf will probably be receive a number of honorary doctorates over the summer.
Best Thing About A Maple Leafs Stanley Cup Win: A Leafs cup win opens up a special lil’ nook in the space-time continuum that swallows up all memories of The Love Guru ever existing.
Worst Thing ABout A Maple Leafs Stanley Cup Win: You know how Leafs fans can’t shut the fuck up about the 1993 Conference Finals, right?
The Senators managed to make the playoffs without Spezza or Karlsson. That’s because the rules don’t apply anymore! *throws a cinderblock through the window of a Swiss Chalet* Maybe we’ll see the return of SPARTAN MAN!
*cringes so hard that teeth chip* I wonder if that dude’s audition was just doing all of Andy Dick’s lines from The Cable Guy.
Best Thing About A Senators Stanley Cup Win: An increase in sincere Paul MacLean mustaches. Police forces see record enrolment numbers as a result.
Worst Thing About A Senators Stanley Cup Win: Daniel Alfredsson morphs into a bird and flies off into the sky to find a new purpose.
New York Rangers
Rick Nash isn’t Mark Messier. So that’s sorted out, I guess. There are loads of fun upsides to seeing the Rangers play: Madison Square Garden looks nice on TV, if New York does well hockey’s relevant in America again (which is something hockey fans need for some strange insecure reason), there’s a strong chance that John Tortorella’s head may be placed on a pike in Penn Station if things go full mutiny.
Best Thing About A Rangers Stanley Cup Win: It’s 1994 again and we can all go back in time and ask our Grade 3 crush Nikki on a date.
Worst Thing About A Rangers Stanley Cup Win: She said no? Butbutbutbut I created a romantic bouquet of gushers as a courting gift! *sobs loudly into a clamshell VHS case*
New York Islanders
Long Island are done doing the playoffs! Just in time for people in Brooklyn to be interested in buying season tickets when the team moves! The “I liked them before they were cool” dynamic between Brooklyn and Long Island gets switched for possibly the first time in recorded history. Full points to the Islanders on getting to the playoffs with a lineup that is made up with like 50% of players that initially refused to join the club. This is the default playoff rooting interest if you don’t have a team in this year’s playoffs.
Best Thing About An Islanders Stanley Cup Win: Garth Snow will probably skate around the ice in his goalie equipment. (Whenever an Islanders transaction is made, I just assume he’s still in full goalie costuming.)
Worst Thing About An Islanders Stanley Cup Win: Charles Wang is rewarded with a Stanley Cup.
Chicago’s looking like a juggernaut going into this year’s playoffs. BUT CAN THEY WIN THE STANLEY CUP WITHOUT THE HELP OF KEVIN JAMES AND VINCE VAUGHN IN THE STANDS DOING THINGS FOR A MOVIE THAT NO ONE HAD ANY INTENTION OF SEEING? Also will Jonathan Toews grow his None More Mennonite playoff beard? So much intrigue!
On an unrelated note: When you say “Blackhawks” out loud, it sounds like “black cocks”. Once you notice it, it’s something you can’t unhear. Best to clear up any confusion and refer to Chicago as the nubian dongs from here on out.
Best Thing About A Blackhawks Stanley Cup Win: Patrick Kane will get blackout drunk and try to recreate everything in Ferris Bueller’s Day Off throughout the summer.
Worst Thing About A Blackhawks Stanley Cup Win: The Fratellis will own multiple yachts by the end of the summer. “Whistle For The Choir would make a great penalty kill theme,” offers Jon Fratelli before being bludgeoned to death with busted Sherwoods.
Ryan Getzlaf’s style of balding is fascinating. I want to give him a gift certificate to the Body Shop as a thank you for balding like a British Royal.
Best Thing About A Ducks Stanley Cup Win: Teemu Selanne wins another Stanley Cup, Saku Koivu gets his first, Charlie Conway puts down the bottle, Iceman escapes exile to live a quiet life in North Dakota.
Worst Thing About A Ducks Stanley Cup Win: Wild Wing’s popularity leads to a boom in the number human/duck hybrid babies being born in Orange County.
Canuck fans get kinda annoyed when you mention the pair of Vancouver hockey riots. It’s a bit of a cheap shot. Also: riot rioty riotburgers with riot rings in riot dressing. (“THAT’S NOT ALL WE’RE ABOUT! GERALD DIDUCK AND OTHER EXCITING THINGS HAPPENED!” etc.) The Canucks look a lot flimsier roster-wise this year than past editions which means they’ll probably crack skulls in the first two rounds because that’s always what happens when a contender looks weak. I don’t make the rules and I don’t understand them. It’s just how it goes.
Best Thing About A Canucks Stanley Cup Win: Fin’s gonna get dressed to the nines and tango in our nightmares!
Worst Thing About A Canucks Stanley Cup Win: Those fuckfaces that made out during the riot in 2011 might be brought up again. Fuck those two. I hope they’re both floating corpses inside some sort of space prison right now.
St. Louis Blues
The Blues are looking good again, which is nice. (Watch out! They’re going to “balanced scoring” you into a fine paste.) That’s where the Blues should be: okayish, servicable and built to be dispatched before the Conference Finals. Maybe Alex Steen will get a Noma GT endorsement deal before the summer’s through.
Best Thing About A Blues Stanley Cup Win: It’d be nice to for Nelly to have an excuse to leave the house.
Worst Thing About A Blues Stanley Cup Win: Dealing with the consequences of the Best Thing About A Blues Stanley Cup Win. (The St. Lunatics are going to be like a plague through the midwest if things get buckwild in Missouri.)
Los Angeles Kings
Do you like pieces from Canadian hockey columnists that rely heavily on references to Hollywood sequels? No? Well you’re getting that anyway. WILL ANZE KOPITAR’S ATTEMPT TO WIN TWO CUPS IN A ROW BE LIKE THE GODFATHER PART II OR IS IT MORE LIKE THE GODFATHER PART III WONDERS LETHBRIDGE COLUMNIST! *attempts to jump directly into the sun*
Best Thing About A Kings Stanley Cup Win: Fancy crown helmets for the finals! (It’s unlikely, but we can dream.)
Worst Thing About A Kings Stanley Cup Win: Gary Bettman awards the trophy while wearing a Kelly Hrudey style blue bandana.
San Jose Sharks
It’s the Sharks. Who gives a shit? They’re the deadbeat dad of playoff contenders. “Sure San Jose, you’ll get a Stanley Cup and a new bike for Christmas. I promise. I love ya, slugger!” *leaves for a pack of smokes, comes back a year later, tussles San Jose’s hair* “Stanley Cup? That doesn’t sound like something I’d say. Hey champ, can I borrow $20 and your fingerprints?”
Best Thing About A Sharks Stanley Cup Win: Sharkie does that thing where he puts his mascot mouth on someone’s head while the club’s at the White House. Oh the laughs we’d have! Harry Reid would probably make a funny face like “oh no, I can’t believe this shark is doing this” that would really make the photo-op pop.
Worst Thing About A Sharks Stanley Cup Win: It could give the San Diego Chargers some ideas.
Detroit Red Wings (playoff eligible, not officially in or out at this moment)
BlurbadurbafurbaOCTOPUSGOOFSblurbascurbadubdurba. It’d be kind of neat if the “Stone Cold ” Steve Austin theme music hit during the pregame and Nicklas Lidstrom popped up onto the ice to join the club. I don’t like the Red Wings, but I’d be comfortable with that sort of thing.
Best Thing About A Red Wings Stanley Cup Win: Will this be the year that Kid Rock rides a riding lawnmower onto the ice to celebrate a Detroit cup win?
Worst Thing About A Red Wings Stanley Cup Win: Your brain remembers that this was a thing that happened.
Minnesota Wild (playoff eligible, not officially in or out at this moment)
I like to imagine that before Minnesota hits the ice, everyone has to make a “wild” face. Maybe Jared Spurgeon crawls around on all fours like a wolf and paws a bit at Backstrom’s goalie pads. GRRRR! WILD!
Best Thing About A Wild Stanley Cup Win: Jon Casey’s ghost is free to escape limbo. Wait, he’s still alive? Well, all the more reason then.
Worst Thing About A Wild Stanley Cup Win: Minnesota introduces their own currency called “Clutterbucks”. (The economy immediately goes to shit as a result.)
Columbus Blue Jackets (playoff eligible, not officially in or out at this moment)
Who’s not rooting for Columbus to pull this out? For fuck’s sake, just let #LUMBUS have this.
Best Thing About A Blue Jackets Stanley Cup Win: Cannon shops in Columbus will see a major boost in sales after a cup win. Sergei Bobrovsky might even be bestowed with his own line of cannons. (Mind you, that might lead to an alarming number of cannon based suicides in the Philadelphia area.)
Worst Thing About A Blue Jackets Stanley Cup Win: The earth swallows us all up the moment it happens.
Enjoy your (soon to be playoff) hockels!