Week 17 (the final week of the regular season and of my probation) kicks off this Sunday. Aw NFL Naw is ready for you after the jump with half-formed analysis and the laziest semen-based jokes in the Western Hemisphere. If your team has failed to make the playoffs, you’re allowed to skip this week’s column and spend 30 minutes using MS Paint. Please mail in your results if you choose to go the MS Paint route. Please make something that isn’t a penis or something that promotes race hate. MS Paint has been abused that way for far too long.

The Regular Season Will Die So The Playoffs Can Live: The last week of the regular season is always bittersweet. The playoffs are coming, but at what cost? It’s the last week we get a full slate of games and can project all kinds of nonsense onto every single team. Also, it means the end of fantasy football (thanks for pouring concrete in my team’s dickhole, Hakeem Nicks), which hurts the pleasant delusion that the outcome of the game could demonstrate how brilliant you are. The playoffs always have a similar slate of teams you hate (Patriots, Steelers, Packers, SPECTRE), playing games against teams you either hate or tolerate. I’ll watch the Packers play the Cowboys and hear Joe Buck drone on about tradition and guys with “heart” (note: not in a cool Captain Planet way), but I won’t like it.

Men Talking To Men About Their Feelings, Hopes And Dreams. Plus There Might Be A Cheer At The End: There are multiple scenarios this week where teams face a must win game. I used to pretend that I would have an amazing speech prepared if I were a coach. I’d imagine I was talking about Gilbert & Sullivan or Hannibal crossing the alps and correlating it team strategy and individual motivation. I gave this weird daydream up when I actually saw footage of coach’s speeches. Coach’s speeches always look incredibly dull yet manage to be incredibly loud, achieving a terrifying loud dullness.. The content is about wanting to win and stuff, but not that much more. Sometimes players will chime in and say “let’s get it boys” or “yaaaaaaah!”, which isn’t really adding anything. Maybe you don’t need fancy words when your goal is to maneuver or keep away a ball that awards points to those that put it in a magic rectangle.

Speech I Would Provide For A Team In A “Must Win” Situation

RAWR!!! (/ocelot swipe) RAWR!!! RAWR!!! Look, you’re all adults that are getting paid handsomely to play football, just do it reasonably well and make a point not to get paralyzed out there. And if you win or go unparalyzed, I’m buying pizza pie for the entire team! RAWR!!! on three. 1-2-3-RAWR!!!-E-O Speedwagon!

I Was Wrong About Cam Newton, I Am Still Right About Fig Newtons: In Week 1, I mocked the potential of Cam Newton. In my defense, how was I supposed to know that a player that was good in college would turn out to be good in the pros? I’m not some type of football genius from beyond the moon that owns intergalactic future insight gel! Maybe I should have taken into account Newton’s friendship with team mascot Sir Purr. Knighted felines always have the best advice. (They were key in negotiating the end of “wife selling” in 18th Century England.) I would also like to concede that I was wrong about Tim Tebow, the nutritional value of strawberry Mentos and about which dinosaur would make the best business partner. Triceratops? What was I thinking?

Here’s a picture of Sir Purr.


Week 17 Game To Watch With Your Eyeballs And/Or Listen To With Your Earpowers:Cowboys at Giants. Winner makes it into the playoffs, loser has their state-of-the-art stadium filled with unsold Bulletproof Monk DVDs. (It’s a secret high stakes bet between the owners. Shhh! Don’t tell poor people.) The Giants were sloppy in their defeat of the Jets and the Cowboys were dreadful in their loss to the Eagles. It’s not as sexy of a match-up as it could be, but there’s postseason intrigue and some red hot Jason Pierre-Paul action, so skip your Sunday night NA meeting and watch division rivals division rivaling for your affection and for some playoff bonus money.

Week 17 Game To Not Watch With Your Eyeballs And/Or Listen To With Your Earpowers: Seahawks at Cardinals. Marshawn Lynch enjoying Skittles makes this game must watch for me, but probably not for you.

Internal Monologue: Marshawn Lynch is someone I admire because he’s powered by rainbow candy spheroids. I so relate to that. If he gets aroused while eating Baby Ruth bars too, I’m going to invest in bunk beds. You’re earned my respect, candy-eater for a middling NFC West franchise.

If That’s All There Is My Friends, Then Let’s Keep Dancing: Thanks for letting me hang out with you this NFL season. Maybe I can adapt this column for the playoffs or to review porn or to review the porn playoffs. Either way, thanks for being an NF-pal. Here’s some Crash Test Dummies for no reason.

Feel free to harass Dan on Twitter or in the comments. He  also has strong opinions about Clark bars.