I don’t know what we did wrong as a society to allow this to happen (probably oil stuff), but the CougarLife.com ads are back.
In case you haven’t seen the ad, I’ll break it down for you: “DON’T YOU WANT TO DATE A COUGAR TOO? You can date her on the “Wildest Dating Service in America” and she’ll totally have sex with your young manliness because everyone knows no Cold Case Files type dudes would ever go to CougarLife.com! (ten thousand winks) She looks sort of like your fantasy version of what you wish your Mom would look like. No one’s judging you buddy, just calm down and enjoy our high energy and suspiciously all white ad! Intercourse train rollin’ down the track!”
Holy shit, do I hate the CougarLife.com ads. Don’t get me wrong, age gap sex/dating/Jenga is a-okay by me. It’s just that the commercial is straight-up Courtney Stodden/Doug Hutchinson level disturbing. (Even though Courtney looks like she could be on CougarLife.)
Okay, on to football.
The President’s Neck Is Missing: I hope Peyton Manning’s neck injury won’t impact his ability to be charming in not particularly good commercials. Peyton’s sort of the Justin Timberlake of the television pitchman world. He’s great in his original element and competent while dabbling in others. That competent dabbling is sometimes mistaken for earthshaking genius. It’s not. He’s better than you expect. That’s about as far as it goes. Also, the Colts are fucked this year.
America’s Team And American Shame: I don’t like the Dallas Cowboys, but I feel bad for Tony Romo. He seems like an amiable enough of a doofus that it’s hard to despise the guy on the level of former Dallas quarterbacks. Can you really hate a guy that was under the naive impression that Jessica Simpson was some sort of glamourous Hollywood cause célèbre? That just makes him sound like a fish-out-of-water in a world he never made*. At least when his career is over, he could be a kooky small town sheriff teaching kids the ins and outs of pigskin. (And by that I mean, he could teach kids how to fumble and throw interceptions at inopportune times. )
*Simpsons reference #1823 in the column’s two week history.
If Being Wrong Is Wrong I Don’t Want To Be Right (Because I’m Apparently Incapable Of It): Did you read last week’s column and elect to use my insight for betting purposes? I apologize to you and your widow. It turns out Rex Grossman and Cam Newton aren’t entirely horrible (although the pass defense of their opponents was) and I now look like a dummy from Dumbbell Tech University. I encourage you to bet exorbitant amounts of money on any and all quarterbacks that I speak ill of in this column. This means you can feel free to bet your son’s bone marrow on Tony Romo and patiently wait as the success dollars come rolling in.
Kickers Kick With Kicking Precision: Sebastian Janikowski hit a record-tying 63 yard field goal on Monday. That’s as exciting as a non-playoff/non-fuckup kicking event gets. If you weren’t astounded by this achievement, it’s because kicking isn’t particularly exciting. This is why Kathy Ireland was a kicker in Necessary Roughness rather than a wide receiver or an equipment manager.
The Caught Out There Treatment: I saw this week’s Chargers/Patriots game on the schedule and couldn’t help but think the matchup would be a lot more fun if at least one of these teams was likable. I put together a poorly formed theory that the NFL has the highest percentage of unlikable teams of the four major North American sports leagues and then Sports Illustrated scooped me (read: decided to close the Wikipedia tab on Joe Millionaire and get to work) and knocked out an entire NFL hateability index. It’s a fun read with a mostly agreeable list, even if it doesn’t really position itself as directly to the other sports leagues as I would like. (Article Reading Note: You may notice a faint popping sound while reading the SI piece. Don’t be alarmed, that’s just the sound of Michael Rosenberg at the tail-end of giving a doe-eyed blowjob to the Packers for being what a 1950s malt shop owner thinks football is all about or something. Balls to the Green Bay mystique. Balls, I say.)
Warning For Autumn – Glee promos have switched from slush attacks to dodgeball attacks. Prep your homage-based assaults accordingly: I’m a lapsed Gleek that gave up around the “Britney/Brittany” episode. The last episode I watched was the This Ain’t Glee XXX porno. (I watched it in its entirety and wrote a story about it.) The current set of spots Fox is running for the new season aren’t really doing anything to suggest that their hit n’ miss ratio will readjust itself. This could impact whether or not I watch the porno sequel.
Real II Steel: Wait, so society wanted fighting to get more violent so they removed humans and replaced them with soulless metal automatons? Will our bloodless bloodthirst ever be satisfied? Real Steel, your nightmare of a society where recreational combat between boxing robots has opened my eyes to the dangers of taking fistfights out of the hands of human punch-in-the-headers.
Additional Ad Talk (Non NFL Broadcast Division): I have a day job where I write transcripts of radio broadcasts. This means AM radio is on all day and I have to hear some of the most shitball radio spots imaginable. The worst of which is probably the Eye Candy campaign featuring a “naked guy” who uses a voice that is “edgy Puss In Boots” meets “edgy Nasonex honeybee”. It takes an enormous amount of skill to be the most dreadful thing on the radio during a John Gormley Live broadcast. Kudos on your Herculean achievement, zany Eye Candy mascot.
Week 2 Game To Watch With Your Eyeballs And/Or Listen To With Your Earpowers: Eagles at Falcons. Michael Vick returns to the Georgiadome. This is the most exciting thing to happen to Atlanta sports since T.I.’s character in ATL was given the offer to participate in Skate Wars. Yes, it’s that exciting.
Week 2 Game Not To Watch With Your Eyeballs And/Or Listen To With Your Earpowers: Bengals at Broncos. Remember when Tim Tebow tackled his mom in that pro-life Super Bowl ad a couple years back? Did that convince anyone to switch sides in the big ol’ abortion debate? If so, I demand testimonials.
Imagined testimonial: “I was pro-choice until Tim Tebow tackled his mother in a Super Bowl ad and that’s when I realized life begins at conception. Not only did I keep the pregnancy, but I saw a cool Bud Light commercial where they also had the same kind of zany tackling. I guess smooth taste begins at conception too!”
Additional Abortion Debate Note That Has Nothing To Do With Football: I used to work for a guy that used pro-life cheques. This both scared and fascinated me in equal measure. He also had an old dubbed over tape featuring the ultra-conservative evangelical Christian group Focus On The Family talking about the interview they did with a born again Ted Bundy in 1989. (/shudders for ten minutes)
Advice For Week 2: If I know anything from motion pictures, it’s that teams can turn their fortunes around by putting a super skilled animal on the field. After all, there’s nothing in the rule book about that says golden retrievers, chimps or donkeys can’t play football. Scratch that, there’s also nothing in the rulebook about fielding a football team consisting of stuntmen that are constantly on fire. That idea is way more effective than hiring a field goal kicking donkey. If a struggling team like the Miami Dolphins uses my flaming stuntmen idea, there’s a petty good chance they can go 11-5 this season.
Dan MacRae is on Twitter. Most of the things he has to say are about candy bars. Feel free to harass him in the comments or on social media. @danmacrae