Aw NFL Naw Week 5 is happening. Do the appropriate stretches and come check it out after the jump.

The motion picture Varsity Blues came out when I was fourteen years old. It caught me in a vulnerable age where my dumbness and relative horniness were working in sync like Private Eyes era Hall & Oates. I loved this movie for a variety of very dumb reasons.

1) Football men do football stuff.

2) Sex having people have sex stuff going on.

3) James Van Der Beek’s character is complicated because he reads. (That’s the same reason why Belle is a nuanced character in Beauty in the Beast.)

4) Jon Voight is no longer inside an anaconda’s stomach. He is yelling at high school students outside of an anaconda’s stomach.

This may come as a shock (put down the fine china that you hold while reading blog posts), but Varsity Blues is a bit shit. I know that now. Still, I like to imagine NFL players in my age range continuing to take this movie very seriously. Whenever Jay Cutler jogs to the sidelines with his head down, I’m sure he just wants to go to his dad and sob-howl “I don’t want your life”. That may not be Cutler’s internal monologue, but it’s a way to get kick the excitement factor of Bears games up by 20%.

Additional Varsity Blues Note #1: I’m fairly certain that Jeremy Shockey watches Varsity Blues on a daily basis. This is because he seems incredibly unlikable.

Additional Varsity Blues Note #2: Even as a perma-horny teen, Ali Larter’s whipped cream bikini seemed too silly to be sexy. I wasn’t a particularly bright kid, so I kept getting distracted by that whipped cream merkin. I just had so many questions. Sadly, few were answered. You dropped the ball on that one, “The What’s Happening To My Body Book For Boys”.

Bochephus Talks About His Rowdy Friends: For those of you disappointed that ESPN pulled “All My Rowdy Friends Coming Over Tonight” as the Monday Night Football theme, I have a makeshift solution. Just start making a “durrrrr” noise for about forty seconds, shout out the names of the cities that are playing and then return to making that “durrrrr” noise for an additional twenty seconds. Problem solved. (Also, was anyone else surprised that Hank Williams Jr. knows who Benjamin Netanyahu is? Touché, Hank.)

The Phillies And Boyz II Men Are Still Doing Alright Though: The Eagles are 1-3. Who could have guessed that selecting an offensive line coach to run the defense would have disastrous results? Not even Zoe Busiek: Wild Card could unravel how this personnel decision could negatively impact the club.

I Used To Get It In Ohio: The success of AJ Dalton probably gives Bengals owner Mike Brown a sense of validation for keeping Carson Palmer in no-trade exile. I hope that sense of validation is swiftly replaced with a kick directly to the dickhole. I have Thanksgiving Monday off, so I’ll probably spend much of the day making crayon drawings of such an event.

I’m Shouting Wisdom Motherfucker!: Todd Haley was angry last week, wasn’t he? Wouldn’t it be great if Dwayne Bowe just snuck up behind him and tickled his armpits? I wholeheartedly endorse this technique at any and all football-based workplaces. (Except for the corporate headquarters at Nerf. Their employee conduct policy explicitly prohibits this behaviour.)

Week 5 Game To Watch With Your Eyeballs And/Or Listen To With Your Earpowers: Bears at Lions. Tim Allen spent a lot of time on Home Improvement wearing Detroit sports related merchandise to remind you that he is a proper manly man that enjoys manly things like being on a terrible TV show. Why can’t Tim Allen just skip out on the new sitcom he’s working on and get around to making the Galaxy Quest television series that is guaranteed to help turn the global economy around? Fuck, I’ll work day and night to get grey Lions t-shirts in the wardrobe design for that show if it’ll help get production off the ground.

Week 5 Game Not To Watch With Your Eyeballs And/Or Listen To With Your Earpowers: Chiefs at Colts. Leslie Knope is promoting her book on this week’s episode of Parks & Recreation. I’m pretty excited about that. You should be too.

Ice Hockey’s Back: Go Jets Go.

Self Promotion Jagoff Portion Of The Column: I’ll be performing stand-up comedy at Pass The Hat on October 7th. Show starts at 9PM, it’s pay-what-you-like and you’re welcome to dress up like Dracula if that’s how you enjoy attending public events. (That’s how I spend 60% of my Easters!)

If you see Dan MacRae at Pass The Hat, there’s a pretty good chance he’s blackout drunk from “premium” malt liquor. That’s a good time to talk him into pyramid schemes. Feel free to harass Dan on Twitter or in the comments.