(image h/t moneydick)
At first the scariest part of this poster is the laser action coming out of Lawrence Taylor’s fingertips, but it’s the dude hanging on the uprights that really freaks me out. Also, Lawrence Taylor is a terrifying human being to begin with, so this poster is extra spooky. Right, onward to Week 10 of Aw NFL Naw.
You Used To Be My Romeo: Romeo Crennel has fired himself as the defensive coordinator of the Chiefs. This is a bit like firing the bassist of your April Wine cover band because you think he’s the weak link holding you back from becoming chart topping millionaires.
Another Reminder That Brandon Ayanbadejo Is An Awesome Dude: Ravens LB Brandon Ayanbadejo on Marylanders voting in favour of marriage equality: “It’s like I woke up and it’s Christmas.” Fellow marriage equality justice league pal Vikings punter Chris Kluwe has written a piece for Slate expressing how jazzed he is about the progress made last night. Check it out, y’goof. Huzzah for that news, by the way. Treat yourself, America!
Ron In The Comments Continues His Prediction Frenzy: He got 7 right last week. That’s 7 more than Plato and Cleopatra combined! Keep that in mind, gamblers that are considering travelling through time to make NFL picks.
Ad Break: I’m not entirely sure how the accident is his fault, but Jonathan Ogden does some fantastic work in this clip.
A Quick Note On The DVD Cover For Not Monday Night Football XXX: I’m not some sort of Ivy League pervert, but I know yuck when I see it. Check it out.
Porn DVD covers are rarely coherent, but holy shit is this one just “SEX THINGS N’ FOOTBALL MAYBE? WE PROMISE IT WILL BE GROSS!!!” with zero interest in finesse. Geez smut peddlers, step up your game. This cover literally has “Girls Having Sex!” written on it just in case everything else on the box threw you off and you assumed this was the case for Denis Villeneuve’s Incendies.
A quick recap of what’s on the cover: There are ladies that like football (their shirts say so!), a weird cabal of referees that also have microphone access, a series of cheerleaders that appear to be on four separate teams, a Howard Cosell/John Madden broadcast team and an overall thick gloss of bleeeeeeccch. Also, why is that lady holding a football over her crotch? Is that supposed to be seductive? What could be hiding under there? A smaller football? A miniature jai alai scoop? A vagina? The mind races!
All criticism aside, there are two awesome things about the trailer for this movie. 1) The guy that plays Bill Cosby in Not The Cosbys XXX appears in it. 2) Their Monday Night Football song kicks the ass of the Bocephus MNF theme. Fact!
Full Disclosure: I’ve only watched porn parody from start all the way through to finish: This Ain’t Glee XXX. It was borderline traumatizing. There’s a bit where porn Rachel says “water me like a plant”. It’s remarkably unsettling.
Week 10 Game To Watch With Your Eyeballs And/Or Listen To With Your Earpowers Texans at Bears Say what you will about last week’s Bears-Titans game, but there was something oddly whimsical about Chris Johnson breaking loose for an aggressively meaningless touchdown. This should be a good game, even though there will probably be all sorts of stupid “CAN HOUSTON HANDLE THE ELEMENTS?” grumble grabble before the game.
Week 10 Game Not To Watch With Your Eyeballs And/Or Listen To With Your Earpowers Colts at Jaguars The Jaguars may suck, but Jacksonville is in a golden age of really depressing looking homemade Jaguars Tebow jerseys. That’s sure to bolster some sort of weird custom jersey economy. (I imagine jerseys are traded for wagon wheels in said economy.) On a vaguely related note, Tebow’s been a bummer to watch in New York. RedZone will break from regular coverage to show you Tebow amble forward for two yards on a 3rd and 9, like it’s not a violation of my RedZone trust. It’s horrible. It’s like someone dragging you out of an awesome party to make you watch a deer fail in trying to make it across a highway. Why are you doing this to me? I thought we were friends!
Extra Note: If you didn’t get all throat lumpy during Chuck Pagano’s speech after the Colts beat the Dolphins, your heart exists for novelty purposes only.
Guests Saying Junk: Callooh Callay! This week, we were able to wrangle comedian/artist/former WBO light welterweight champ Graeme Zirk into the guest spot. He’ll be at Pass The Hat at The Exchange on November 16th. You should be there too. Here’s Graeme giving his take on the new CFL franchise in Ottawa. Take it away, Graeme.
Ottawa is getting a team, for real this time. If you’ve been hanging around my apartment lately, people are excited. Next to player paternity suits and unnecessary lockouts, the limbo period for a new team is my favourite time of a sports season.
I’m a dork when it comes to team branding. What will the uniforms look like? What will the logo look like? What will the colours be? Will John Candy ever own a team again? These are the questions that keep me up at night. This is my fantasy draft.
Ottawa’s possible team name has been a contentious issue to some. Some people say bringing back the Ottawa Rough Riders is silly idea. To these people I say, “Get out of town” and “you’re right”.
Yes, it’s silly to have two teams with the same name in a league of 9. It’s a concept that comes with a built-in punchline. It’s silly and quirky, but look at the league. No Yards Calls? Rouges? Danny Maciocia? The CFL has a long proud tradition of inexplicable idiosyncrasies.
More importantly, a team names should never try to be zingy. Verbs, onomatopoeia current cultural references. All bad ideas when naming a team. If a team doesn’t sound like it has a history, it will be a joke. Just ask a Toronto Raptor fan today. Don’t get me wrong Jurassic Park was cool and all…but this is pro sports. It hinges on people giving a shit for more than a year or two.
Think of what it’s like to be a football fan in Ottawa. They had a team that they were proud to cheer for and it was taken away by things that were out of their control. Ottawa remains a football city, the least owners can do is bring things back to normal. To do anything but that would be wrong.
Imagine for a minute that our Roughriders are taken away due to poor management and a dilapidated stadium (I know, it’s a stretch) A few sad years go by and by some wink of god, Regina get a team again. Fans buy tickets, dress up in green, wait in line for hours only to greet “The Saskatchewan Smash” to the field. Their cyan and brown uniforms glimmer in the glow of the stadium lights as they run out of the tunnel a barrage of half full Pilsner cans and a chorus of “What the hell, guy?”
Sounds stupid right? That’s because it is. It’s so stupid that it actually makes the idea of having two Riders sound logical.
Thanks Graeme for that treasure chest of splendidness! Bring us home, Reverend Bruce Howard!