Week 1’s come and gone. Hopes were raised, dreams were crushed and Brandon Weeden got trapped underneath an American flag because that’s the sort of thing that happens when you’re the quarterback of the Cleveland Browns. It’s great to have football back. Week 2 of Aw NFL Naw/Lt. Washboard’s Discount Soda Review Roundup is after the jump.
Hopes Raised, Despair Experienced, Dreams Effectively Policed: I don’t have kids. They seem kinda gross. (If growing sacks of blood, skeleton parts and half digested Lunchables bits are your trip, all the more power to you. I’m just extremely selfish.) That said, my city college Sociology minor grants me the power to say that watching your team in Week 1 is probably the exact same thing as watching your child’s early years development. Some parents know their kid has the potential for great things (an NFC North title or being assistant manager at an upscale Reitmans), other parents are convinced their kid is destined for greatness even though they’ll probably be a bust (a 5-11 record or being assistant manager at a lower grade Reitmans) and some parents know that they’re kids going to be a bit shit (the Miami Dolphins or someone that likes to show off their badass Nixons lyric tattoo). Don’t feel bad Week 1 parents, you can only do so much. Besides, they’re all just gorgeous snowflakes out there, aren’t they?
He Has Roman Numerals On His Jersey! It’s Like He Was Sent By God! Or Wrestling! Robert Griffin III was amazing to watch, wasn’t he? So much so that it was almost impossible to enjoy because there’s the whole ” How are the Redskins going to completely fuck this up?” cloud hanging over top. Please let me enjoy this, Mike Shanahan.
You Probably Saw This Awesomeness On Deadspin Already, But Here It Is Again: A letter from Vikings punter Chris Kluwe to Maryland state delegate Emmett C. Burns Jr.
2 Important Peyton Manning Notes: 1) Yes, I know that his season hinges on the health of his neck. You know who else that applies to? Everybody. 2) There’s a Papa John’s ad that’s running right now where Peyton Manning and Spokesjohn John Schnatter are having one of those casual quarterback n’ pizza chain CEO conversations that you see all the time in the wild. In the spot, Peyton refers to the Papa John’s guy as “Papa”. When that happened I flew into a blind rage and suffered an immediate rage stroke (the medical condition, not the sex act). DON’T FUCKING CALL THAT GUY “PAPA”, HE HASN’T EARNED THAT RANK!!! The Papa John’s guy isn’t a “Papa”, he’s just a creepy charisma vacuum that farts onto your TV during NCIS commercial breaks and throws a bunch of money behind the Romney 4 Prez campaign in his spare time. When he was reunited with his old Camaro, he had a day where he offered free pizza to anyone with a Camaro. That’s not something a “Papa” does. That’s behaviour more in line with deadbeat dads, super unsettling uncles or disgraced birthday party clowns.
I’m Starting To Get Hoarse From Yelling At People On The Price Is Right: I’m currently working from home, which sounds like a roundabout way of justifying my alcoholism, but it’s actually my current gig. It’s as glamourous of a life as you might imagine. It’s really not all that far removed from when Homer Simpson worked at home because of his recently cultivated obesity disability. Only Faygo bottles are my reaching broom.
Important Faygo Note: Root Beer and Cherry Cola are the only worthwhile flavours, the rest taste like failure clots.
Week 2 Game To Watch With Your Eyeballs And/Or Listen To With Your Earpowers: Lions at Niners This will probably be fun to watch while skimming MediaTakeOut and RedTube* on your laptop. Still a bit of a bummer that last week’s Niners victory didn’t end in Aaron Rodgers honouring the Boyz II Men jersey bet. Good luck getting them to sing at your cousin Nicky’s christening now, dingus. (h/t Shutdown Corner)
(*RedTube is just a placeholder for whatever scuzzier porno site you prefer.)
Week 2 Game Not To Watch With Your Eyeballs And/Or Listen To With Your Earpowers: Browns at Bengals This game could be worth watching, but my goodness did both teams have a dreadful Week 1. The Bengals were turned into red sauce and jello by Baltimore and the Browns just Brownsed shit up hard against Philly. Trent Richardson fucking Mutant League Football’d a dude and the club still barfed all over themselves. It’s the magic of NFL football in Ohio!
Guests Saying Junk: Future guests are being lined up, so in the meantime here is “Cuz the Blue Wave is on a Roll” filling the commentary gap.
How’d you feel about Week 1? What’s gonna happen in Week 2? How fucked is your fantasy team? Did Vick and Stafford throw all those picks as part of a weird art installation that no one told us about?