Sound the alarm! No, not that one. No, not that other one either. No, not your Kellogg’s Corn Flakes promotional “Time For Breakfast” alarm. No, not the one made entirely out of macaroni. That one’s only for emergencies. You know what? Forget it! Don’t sound any alarms. I don’t care. Whatever. What was I getting at? Oh yeah, time for Aw NFL Naw. WEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOWWWWWW!
I’m Looking Forward To Loads Of Photo-Ops Featuring Rian Lindell Shaking Hands With A Tired Man In Foam A CN Tower Costume The NFL just keeps on trying to make Toronto a thing. It’s like sort of like Bing or “fetch”. It’s not going to happen, NFL. Every year, the Bills trudge into the SkyDome and no one in the city gets all that nutty about it. Right now the big marketing push is “hey, PSY is gonna be there!”, which is essentially: INTERNET’S GONNA HAPPEN TO YOU IN PERSON IF FOOTBALL AIN’T YOUR THING SO BUY SOME $200 FIVE MINUTES OF PSY IN CONCERT TICKETS FOR YOUR FAMILY. It’s not exactly a thrilling proposition.
Note: If the Bills move to Toronto, I have a weird fantasy that they’ll be called the Toronto Terrys or something similar.
People That Own Mark Chmura Jerseys Feel It’s Time They Should Be On Television Producers are currently in Wisconsin to do some casting for a Packer fans reality show, which is just (*flips coffee table, gestures angrily*). I have a pretty robust reality TV diet, but holy shit does this need to be stopped. Do you wish you could get more hanging out time in with shouty self-important sports fans that dress up in zany outfits, give themselves nicknames (“my beer box jersey says Touchdown Broseph and you will address me as such!”) and get hard n’ wet whenever people praise the millionaires that “represent” them? Of course you don’t. You’re a sensible person that likes when things aren’t horrible. So why would you want to bring that experience home with you? I mean, have you ever had a conversation with someone that is actively proud of their “Rider Shares”? You wouldn’t trust that person inside your apartment. They might be nice and all, but based on their “Rider Shares” purchase there’s a good chance they might steal your valuables so they can trade them for magic beans. Sports fandom can be frustrating sometimes. I guess that’s what I’m getting at.
Horrifying PSA Break You will not be surprised to learn that this is from Winnipeg.
12 Robots I Would Not Trust
1. The Spine Ripper Outer 3000
3. Illiterabot: The Robot That Thinks That the Three Laws of Robotics Are Total Bullshit
4. Mechanical Andy Dick
5. Shriektron (a robot powered by my sense of terror)
6. Trontron (a robot powered by viewings of Tron: Legacy)
7. A man in a cat burglar’s mask with a Post-It-Note stuck to his shirt
8. All Terminators without a thick Austrian accent programmed into their circuitry
9. Any robots named Skyler
10. Cyborg Stepmom YOU’RE NOT MY REAL CYBORG MOM!!!
11. Methoid: the robot that’s addicted to crystal meth. (may also be Mechanical Andy Dick)
12. Dan MacRae: The Robot
Week 15 Game To Watch With Your Eyeballs And/Or Listen To With Your Earpowers Packers at Bears This seems as good a place as any to pitch my idea of having a show where animals eat assorted things. It could start with bears eating cheese (you could go with a Green Bay/Chicago theme there), but each week a new combo. Sort of an Animal vs Food kinda deal. If nothing else, it couldn’t be worse than Take It All.
Week 15 Game Not To Watch With Your Eyeballs And/Or Listen To With Your Earpowers Lions at Cardinals There have been executions less one-sided than the Seahawks 58-0 bludgeoning of Arizona. As soon as there’s a 50 point gap in an NFL game, it ceases being a sporting event and the whole thing ventures into performance art territory.
Having Larry Fitzgerald as your lead wide receiver and John Skelton as your starting quarterback is a bit owning Vermeer’s The Concert and a quarterback that only knows how to destroy Vermeer’s The Concert.
Videos Saying Junk No guest this week (Queen Beatrix of the Netherlands bailed because she had to attend a designer cocktail launch), but you know what we have? Two amazing videos from Junior Eurovision. They will Europe the shit out of you.
Some Dumbfuck Is Hanging Around Regina Soon I’m going to be coming to visit Regina this month (I hope all the treasure I hid on the second floor of the Plains Hotel is okay) and I’ll be at things you should also be at. There’s Pass The Hat on the 14th, Talkies with Jayden Pfeifer on the 17th, Red Hot Riot with Jayden Pfeifer on the 21st and passed out on bagged wine in the tub at my Ma & Pa’s place on the 25th. I’ll also be popping in for a couple episodes of The Capital on 91.3 CJTR to promote my upcoming ska-meets-thrash influenced R&B album.
Right, enough of that. Bring us home, Fight Like Apes