We’re in Week 7 and Aw NFL Naw has not shifted formats into a weekly think piece on how Pepsi Blue could have been a success. I’m as surprised as you. Let’s talk about the National Football League and our inner most secrets after the jump.
On Sunday we were treated to a coach fight. Like communism and The Bonfire of the Vanities, coach fights are much better on paper. (I just made references to two things I don’t fully understand. Pow!) What should have been an exciting fistfight involving two Dad looking guys throwing haymakers, was actually just Lions coach Jim Schwartz running alongside Niners coach Jim Harabaugh and shouting about “respect” or something. It looked like two angry dogs rubbing up against each other to demonstrate feelings of pride and sexual confusion. The only exciting thing about the incident was the squat balding PR guy running in to break things up. He looked like the kind of guy that dropped out of adult entertainment law to pursue something more noble. I want to see more of that guy.
Coach fights should at least be as exciting as the fights you see in the Taiwanese Legislature. Has years of being addressed as “coach” by millionaires and newspaper reporters made these guys soft? Is it the Reebok activewear? It was in Detroit, so maybe they were just horsing around and pretending to act out moments from D12’s “How Come” video.
I Alluded To Porn Earlier, He’s The Inevitable Additional Porn Note: I consider myself to be a connoisseur of porn parody trailers. The novelty of watching people have sex in wigs has worn off for most people, but I still find the art form fascinating. It’s gotten to the point where I have some trailers that I champion because of their heart and relative goodwill (Rocky XXX) and others that I’m blown away by due to their relative insanity (Official In Living Color Parody). This week I came across the most irritating porn parody trailer I’ve ever seen in America’s Favorite Commercials Gone Porn. There’s something unholy about a movie that combines Free Credit Report jingles with angry unpleasant looking sex. It’d be campy if it weren’t so shrill and lazy. (Porn lazy is 60% more lazy than regular lazy.) Their Flo from Progressive stays at least moderately true to her character. By that I mean she wears a blue headband in the clips I’ve seen.
Carson Palmer, Gainfully Employed Quarterback: David Gerrard has called in sick for the rest of the season, so Oakland needed to go elsewhere. I’m not entirely sure if Palmer will be the dynamic starting quarterback he once was in Cincinnati, but our national nightmare of having a former first overall draft pick trapped in holdout exile is over. Now the economy can get back on track. Hey Recession, better take a hike because Carson Palmer has a job again. (/2000 steel mills open, jazz age begins again, flapper pregnancies rise dramatically)
The NFLPA Would Rather If You Took A Relaxed Approach At Looking At The Blood Of Their Players: The NFLPA says it isn’t ready for league officials to start checking the blood of players for HGH until Monday. Because football is baseball no one needs/plans to give a shit. Shit donations will not be affected by HGH results. I’m pretty sure that Mario Williams could return from injury as a cyborg and I wouldn’t consider it to be an ethics breach. Go CyberTexans. Boo FleshTitans.
Free Space: Feel free to use this space to think about whatever football things you like. Let your imagination run wild. Maybe you could imagine what it would be like if you ran a business with Colt McCoy. Is it a hardware store? Boxing gym? Sock Repair? You make the call. You’ve earned it.
I’m Going To Talk About Hockey For A Little Bit: When Arron Asham knocked Jay Beagle the fuck out last week, he got a bit of flack for making a “go to sleep” gesture after fustigating his opponent. Personally, I thought it was awesome. I know hockey has all these codes of honour and keeping the magicians secrets and all that goofy shit, but if you’re a sport where you celebrate people punching each other into brain damage, why can’t you also celebrate when you’re the person physically doing it. It’s two people on knife boots punching each other in the head in the name of “respect”. It’s ridiculous and the self-serious posture of hockey’s old guard in this regard is completely insane. If Gordie Howe was in a fight, I’m pretty sure he didn’t have “Kung Fu Fighting” playing at full blast on the arena speakers.
I like fighting in hockey, but that’s because I’m a bad person. The majority of my interest in hockey fights is rooted in bloodsport. There’s no other major sports league in North America that would condone bareknuckle boxing, so it’s a real thrill and a novelty to see two pro athletes fight each other in a sport that doesn’t really have a non-cultural reason for it. If Asham wants to make a CM Punk gesture after he clocks a dude, he should be allowed to do it. I live in a world where I know that miming isn’t as terrible as punching a dude into brain injury. If the NHL wants to crackdown on silly gestures, it might need to start with dealing with the thing that lead to the gesture in the first place.
Week 7 Game To Watch With Your Eyeballs And/Or Listen To With Your Earpowers: Texans at Titans. I suppose you can tell by the endorsement of this matchup that Week 7 isn’t particularly good for exciting NFL content. Maybe you could listen to this game in background while writing a letter to your favourite movie monster asking for their permission to dress like them for Halloween. (They’ll likely be flattered and say yes.)
Week 7 Game Not To Watch With Your Eyeballs And/Or Listen To With Your Earpowers: Seahawks at Browns. It’s the battle for Drew Carey’s heart! Not really, he’ll likely be rooting for the Browns. Also, Drew Carey seems to have overcome the majority of his heart concerns.
Now A Very Meta Episode Of Puttnam’s Prairie Emporium: This episode is entitled “Bloopers”.
Feel free to harass Dan on Twitter or in the comments. He hopes to see the Beefalo in the near future.