Aw NFL Naw: A Ceramic Pig Will Tear Your Mind Out, He’ll Burn Your Soul (Week 3)

I’m not a big tennis fan, but I’m fascinated by the ads that run during major tennis tournaments. When Wimbledon or the US Open comes on, the ad breaks are made up of commercials for things aimed specifically at rich people. You get ads for things like designer suits, six figure salary based job search engines and premium imported monocle wax. The ads that air during football are the opposite of this. The NFL commercial slate is made up primarily of spots featuring light beer, cheap pizza and Denis Leary trying to tough-talk you into buying a truck. (Also, there are boner medicine commercials. These cover both rich people ads and poor people ads. Wang fatigue is a unifying concern.)

On the Canadian NFL feeds, Money Mart ads play a pretty consistent loop. This is upsetting because Money Mart has an absolutely fucking terrifying mascot. It’s a piggy bank with serial killer eyes and a coin slot where he probably keeps souls of schoolchildren and beloved family pets. Money Mart could have used John Wayne Gacy’s clown paintings as a mascot and it would have been less creepy. Advertisers take note, it takes finesse to create a “cute” character. Just outsource your commercials to Russell “The Cashman” Oliver and you’ll be fine. Oliver’s not a cute character, but he is tolerable and will occasionally paint himself silver to show you that he is a reasonable dealmaker.

Come football with me after the jump.

Continue reading “Aw NFL Naw: A Ceramic Pig Will Tear Your Mind Out, He’ll Burn Your Soul (Week 3)”

Aw NFL Naw: Necks Are Very Important To The City Of Indianapolis (Week 2)

I don’t know what we did wrong as a society to allow this to happen (probably oil stuff), but the CougarLife.com ads are back.

In case you haven’t seen the ad, I’ll break it down for you: “DON’T YOU WANT TO DATE A COUGAR TOO? You can date her on the “Wildest Dating Service in America” and she’ll totally have sex with your young manliness because everyone knows no Cold Case Files type dudes would ever go to CougarLife.com! (ten thousand winks) She looks sort of like your fantasy version of what you wish your Mom would look like. No one’s judging you buddy, just calm down and enjoy our high energy and suspiciously all white ad! Intercourse train rollin’ down the track!”

Holy shit, do I hate the CougarLife.com ads. Don’t get me wrong, age gap sex/dating/Jenga is a-okay by me. It’s just that the commercial is straight-up Courtney Stodden/Doug Hutchinson level disturbing. (Even though Courtney looks like she could be on CougarLife.)

Okay, on to football.

Continue reading “Aw NFL Naw: Necks Are Very Important To The City Of Indianapolis (Week 2)”

Aw NFL Naw: Kickoff to Touchdunks and Strikegoals (Week 1)

Hi, my name is Dan MacRae. (This is the part where you tell me your name.) That’s an absolutely lovely name and it is a pleasure to meet you. Welcome to Aw NFL Naw, the Prairie Dog’s poorly titled new weekly NFL column. Every Wednesday, I’ll be writing a semi-coherent collection of thoughts and swear words concerning developments in the National Football League. Allow me to present to you my qualifications:

– I have one day of organized football experience. I went to a high school football practice and immediately realized how much I hate teamwork, dedication and sacrifice. I promptly quit the team before the second practice and signed up for my school’s improv team. I’ve written about this in a bit more detail a few years back on my blog.  http://danmacrae.tumblr.com/post/175715068/ryan-leaf-aint-got-shit-on-me As you can probably guess from the above sentences, I didn’t kiss a girl until I was in the twelfth grade.

What I lack in technical knowledge about football, I more than make up for it in knowledge of what team Lisa’s Dad likes on Fresh Prince of Bel Air. (Cleveland.)

– I operate mainly using bullet points, blurbs and outdated slang. Holy horsefeathers, I’m even doing that in this intro. Take that, challenging sports journalism.

– There’s a good chance I’ll include the video for “Ram It” in every single column.

Amazing. So put on your football reading costume and skip hand-in-hand with me past the jump.

Continue reading “Aw NFL Naw: Kickoff to Touchdunks and Strikegoals (Week 1)”

A Very Winning Song About Disliking Futility

This exists. This is a thing that exists. Hatchie Matchie this is definitely a thing that exists. In 1988 the Saskatchewan Roughriders in association with CKCK-TV made a delightfully ridiculous promotional rap video announcing “that’s enough” to the franchise’s eleven year absence from the playoffs (in an eight team league). The club would win the Grey Cup the following year. (The “Most Promising Group Of The Year” Juno Award would allude them, sadly.)

Incredible.

Also it’s an excuse to post “Red Hot”, which is good and important and the like.

h/t Twitter’s @mourab as well as Andrew Bucholtz at 55 Yard Line for finding and posting this uniquely Saskatchewan masterpiece.

Descended From Tapes

I work for a company that records and transcribes AM radio broadcasts. This company exclusively uses cassettes for the recording process. Some of these cassettes are blank tapes with labels on them (“Streetheart Greatest Hits” for example) and others are old cassettes that have been magnetized and are used like blank tapes. One of these tapes chilled me to my marrow.

I was doing a transcript of an AM radio broadcast and I noticed the recording was on one weird-ass tape. I checked the label and saw it was a recording of the ultra-conservative Christian group Focus On The Family and their interview with serial killer Ted Bundy. The actual recording has been replaced with years and years of static gnarled morning news broadcasts, but I wanted to hear the balls off that original recording. I did some research and it was an interview Bundy did when he was on death row and was telling anyone who would listen that pornography and cable television were pure evil. (If Bundy’s theory is correct, I’m moments away from becoming a supervillain of Dr. Doom proportions.)

There are some other Focus On The Family tapes floating around my work and I’m moderately sure my employer picked them up by coincidence. I’m hoping that’s the case because otherwise I’ll probably shudder so hard it will destroy my spinal column.

Seeing as I don’t have the actual tape to post, I’m going to have to rely on another terrifying “Family” based religious organization. The Family International (formerly known as the Children Of God) have had some of their videos floating around online and all of their clips rate somewhere between “unnerving” and “soulshatteringly upsetting”.

Here’s a video called “20 Minutes To Go” that features a chilling vision of the apocalypse as well as an equally upsetting vision of heaven.

Screen Gems Logo: Truly Outrageous, Terrifying

Right now things aren’t exactly sunshine and kettle chips at the palatial prairie dog estate (located in a satellite orbiting the Scarth Street Mall). The election results were a major bummer and no one touched our homemade gazpacho at the prairie dog election party/are-you-fucking-serious-this-is-happening?-festival. It’s been kind of a drag.

Let’s get to perky, shall we? Nerdblog magicians io9 posted a short documentary called “The S From Hell” that might be of interest. The doc covers the weird traumatizing history of the Screen Gems logo and the creepy pants-wetting music that went along with it. So trade in your one “S From Hell” (if you’re on a first name basis with the Prime Minister) for another.

The S From Hell from Rodney Ascher on Vimeo.

Good Lookin’ STV

I was weaseling around the information superhighway a couple nights ago (it can’t all be porn and wedding cake) and came across this deliriously cheery video from the launch of STV. It’s amazing stuff. Open up a yogurt cup or a pack of Soda Licious and check it out.

Incredible, right? The pep! The enthusiasm! The enthusa-pep! It’s all there in one big beautiful dorky package. It’s kind of hard to imagine a Regina television station in 2011 working on knocking out a silly song like this. Especially one with the weird sort of swagger that this launch video has. I mean part of the lyrics are STV proclaiming “you’re a part of us, we’re a part of you” like they’re indoctrinating people into the Children Of God cult. Their slogan was “Good Lookin’ STV” for goodness sakes. The balls on those guys.

I’m from Manitoba originally (/opens up umbrella for the inevitable shitstorm in the comments) so my interaction with STV was checking it out when I visited my Regina-based grandparents. I always had a lot of questions about their logo. What was the red stuff in the V? Strawberry jam? Werewolf blood? A delicious combination of both? It didn’t matter because there were sitcom reruns and syndicated programs of varying quality for my grade school brain to soak in.

It kind of bums me out that the station got absorbed into the Global television brand and ultimately lost most of the quirks that made it unique. Sure, all the local over-the-air stations have their distinctly Saskatchewan touches, but those touches aren’t as flamboyant as they used to be. It’s not just a Saskatchewan thing either. Winnipeg/Portage’s indie station MTN was gobbled up by CHUM in the 2000s and City-TV lost the majority of its soul after a couple ownership shuffles in the same decade. It’s cable that has to pick up the eccentricity slack.

Thankfully we still have the insane programming practices of Geoff Sterling at NTV holding things down in Newfoundland.