Goblin Sharks: Sweet Mother Of Crap!

Goblin SharkYou can have your Sharknados or Piranha 3-Ds, Hollywood: real-life sea monsters kick your ass.

The other night I came across this story about a Florida shrimp fisher who pulled this freaky-as-shit beast up onto his boat in April.

Apparently (and appropriately) it’s called a goblin shark, and it’s “the last surviving member of the Mitsukurinidae family, which dates back some 125 million years! It also generally lives thousands of feet under the surface — to a maximum depth of just over 4200 feet! That explains why they’re almost never seen by humans.

The one caught in recently in Florida measured roughly 18 feet long.

Jeebuz!

It’s About Time Men Had A Say In This World!

Finally a lone, brave voice appears to defend the downtrodden in a world filled with oppressors.

I’m on bended knee to praise you, Alison Tieman. Heaven knows that with Canadian men constantly being discriminated against, abused and assailed on all sides by our hate-filled female overlords, us guys desperately need heroic collaborators like yourself, working on the inside of the halls of female power.

In the latest issue of Verb, Tieman defends the posters she put up in Saskatoon and Regina on behalf of A Voice For Men, an entirely reasonable website. (Those posters helped us make the national news, people! We should be ever so proud!) The posters, if you haven’t seen them, point out that Canada is the “worst country in the world to be a man” — because of the rampant, radical feminist movement that holds sway over this country, of course.

This must have been very hard on Tieman — really, as a member of the ruling matriarchy that so obviously runs Canada, she could’ve simply stayed quiet and raked in the money, respect, prestige and safety that comes from being one of the favoured gender. Instead, she chose to fight for those of us under constant threat of unfair wages, sexual exploitation and everyday discrimination — us men.

Again, thank god for her.

But make no mistake, it’s going to be a massive struggle, with little hope that we men (hee hee — rhymes with “semen,” which is just the kind of utterly hilarious joke that we’re apparently not allowed to use anymore) will ever be able to attain equality in Canada. I mean, just look at the stats:

—Men make only 19 per cent more than women when it comes to wages in this country! To be fair, at least we’re not Norway (where men make only eight per cent more than women — ack!). But oh, to dream of Japan (an eminently fair 29 per cent!).

—There’s an obviously discriminatory number of women in our federal Parliament: 76 of the 308 members are women. That’s almost a full 25 per cent–and it’s an all-time record! Ghaa!

—Luckily, not one of the S&P/TSX 60 companies — the 60 largest publicly traded companies in Canada — have a female CEO (CBC). Whew! But don’t get too complacent, men: no less than 11 per cent of the board members on those companies are women! Can complete female domination of our stock market be far behind?

So kudos to Ms. Tieman for standing up to the ultra-radical feminist puppetmasters in charge of this nation.

Kudos also to intrepid Verb reporter Adam Hawboldt! It clearly took a ton of courage for him to ensure — over the angered complaints of his radical feminist publishers, no doubt — that this Verb article was based on only one source, Ms. Tieman. I mean, had he allowed himself to be bullied into any sort of standard journalistic credibility by including an opposing view (most likely a damn liberal arts professor or other so-called “expert”) for even one single quote, the story would have been ruined with things like facts, figures, statistics and — you know — reality!

Well done, freedom fighters!

(Oh, just one more thing: if you’re clicking the Verb link, be ready for a bit of frustration, because Verb’s website isn’t a real website, just a .PDF of the paper. There’s a joke to me made there about that being appropriate–Verb’s not a real newspaper either!–but I certainly won’t go there.)

Anvil in Regina and not Saskatoon? Ghaaa!!!

It’s generally not considered at all cool for a Saskatonian to admit they’re jealous of Regina (or vice versa), but here it is: I can’t believe you’re getting freakin’ Anvil and we’re not!

That’s right: one of Canada’s best/worst (really, it’s a coin toss) bands ever plays Regina on May 25, then Edmonton on May 27–meaning they have a day off, and they’re STILL skipping Saskatoon!

Want one more knife in my back? How about the fact that May 26 is my birthday?!?! My 40th birthday, in fact! How great would it have been to celebrate that cheesy milestone with one of metal’s all-time cheesiest bands? Sigh. Kudos, Queen City–and really, go to see this show! As a teaser, here’s one of the best (worst?) videos from one of the best (worst?) metal bands of all time.

Best Press Release Ever

You fine folks in Regina may not know–or care–that Saskatoon is having a by-election for one of our City Council seats in the near future (because really, why should you?). However, this press release from Ward 7 candiate Patrick Thomson (which you’ll see just below my original commments on the Planet S magazine blog), discussing his disappointment with the media after not one reporter showed up at the press conference announcing his candidacy, are simply too much fun not to share. Really — if you can find a better bit of wit from a politician, I’d love to hear about it. /Chris Kirkland

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First of all, I’d like to apologize to Pat Thomson–who is a seriously cool guy–for not being at his press conference. (In our defence, all our writers are freelancers and no one could get away from their day jobs, and I was at a board meeting, but still, we clearly suck just as much as the mainstream media in this particular instance — although I might mention that they (hello, StarPhoenix, Rawlco, CTV, CBC — you know who you are!) have roughly 1,000 times the resources that Planet S does. Sigh.)

Secondly, this is definitely the best press release I’ve ever see from a political candidate since the sad demise of the much-missed Rhinoceros Party–at any level of government! Check it out below–especially if you live in Ward 7! Kudos, Pat!

For Immediate Release

Thomson Lashes Out at Media for Skipping His Press Conference

Patrick Thomson, a candidate in the Ward 7 by-election, was understandably upset when not a single member of the media attended his press conference, saying “seriously guys, Jim Pankiw invites you to the Sheraton to tell you that he’s a racist drunk who doesn’t like you and you flock to him like moths to a flame. I call a conference to discuss important issues facing our city, I sweeten the deal with beer and nachos, and you’re nowhere to be found. What a bunch of dicks! Get your priorities in order!”

Mr. Thomson, whose conference was scheduled for 12:30, Wednesday January 12th at the Crazy Cactus Pub, went on to state “I wanted to talk about how overspending, and suburban over-development are hurting our city, and share my carefully reasoned approach to mandatory recycling, instead I sat at a table by myself, with only my sign for company. I had to drink a whole pitcher of beer to myself, and then go door knocking. How do you think that went?”

He then whispered defeatedly, “I even made press packs.”

If anyone would like further comment or some cold nachos Mr. Thomson can be reached at 881-8683, or electpatrickthomson@gmail.com.

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Weekly Wombat!

After numerous threats and incessant, late-night phone calls from Editor Whitworth hassling me about blogging, here I am — with the first of what should hopefully be many Weekly Wombats!

That’s right–screw you, events of global significance, this awesome wombat baby is much more important than you! To me, anyway…

Learn more about this most marvelous of marsupials at http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wombat