Sniff. Does this ever take me back to my days in Catholic school. I remember when our religion/sex ed teacher — Dr Dan, we called him — explained to us that masturbation isn’t a sin if you aren’t aware of how wrong God considers it, but once you do, the very next time you play “Strangle the Bishop” you’re consigning yourself to the fires of Hell.

“Well, why did you have to go and tell us, then, you bastard?” I should have asked at the time but didn’t.

That said, I actually had a pretty good time at Catholic school all things considered (I’m not an atheist because of some big traumatic experience with religion but rather because there’s no God), but that Dr Dan was a serious killjoy.

Of course, now that RealCatholicTV has shown me how masturbation is the beginning of the collapse of Catholic morality… well, someone please pass the tissue.