Bonus Column | by The Real Demogorgon

Greetings, mortal worms. It’s me, Demogorgon — Prince Of Demons, Nightmare Of The Accursed, Dread Mandrill Of Ruin. Perhaps you’ve heard of me?

I don’t often correspond with folk from your wretched plane of existence, so I expect your full attention.

I assume most of you haven’t been to the Abyss — the jagged, searing realm of agony and unending despair over which I rule — so you may not realize I’m a Very Busy Demon Lord. I barely have time to devour the limbs of the forsaken, let alone keep up with trite “entertainment”. So I only recently became aware of something called a “Netflix” and its popular picture-play, Stranger Things.

Have you seen it? Then you can probably guess where this is going.

Stranger Things — which apparently has a second season launching on Oct. 27 — has a character called “The Demogorgon”. My (traditionally unutterable!) name aside, it’s NOTHING like me. This so-called Demogorgon is frankly slanderous!

There can be no remedy for this insult and I’m sending a flock of vrocks to scour your miserable world. For starters.

I see I have your attention.

Human “intelligence” is far below my own (supra-genius) level, so I get (though do not care) that you might be puzzled by my slobbering rage. It might even seem ridiculous that I’m prepared to annihilate your entire sphere over what is clearly a work of fiction. Well, it ISN’T. First off, I’m chaotic evil and that means “ah do what I wan’.” Second, have you even seen this show? Let me re-cap:

  1. According to Stranger Things, I look like a cross between a walking frog and a… flower? Where are my barbed, pestilent tentacles? My bifurcated, spiked tail? My minus-eight armour class scales? My terrifying baboon faces? Why do I have only one head?
  2. In real life, I rule over a dreadful realm of razor-edged terrain, acid mists, boiling rivers and bottomless pits crawling with half-squid, half-snake horrors. Netflix, however, thinks I bumble around in damp fungus-forests like an idiot. As if.
  3. In the infinitesimally brief moments before I tear my victims into wet confetti, I ravage their minds with a psionic assault so terrible even the squid-snakes poop their pits. But according to Stranger Things, a preteen girl who can barely levitate frozen waffles can take me out.
  4. I’M 18 FEET TALL. NOT EIGHT. GET IT RIGHT.
  5. A flower head? Really???

Now I don’t know how this shit works on Earth but out here when some demon so much as glances at me funny, that fool spends a couple of centuries being unable able to sit (looking at you, Orcus!).

For this? Let’s just say the scalding needlepedes of Ziminiar will be the fun part.

Enjoy your dumb little show while you can, doomed morons.

Wrathfully Yours,
Demogorgon The Unspeakable Prince Of Demons, Lord Of The Abyss, Monkey-Faced Dude of Maximum Malice