Mayor of the Sea

Bonus Column | by the Mayor of the Sea

Hello everyone. This is the Mayor of the Sea, wishing everyone a happy Labour Day weekend. I hope you can get away for a few days on dry land this year, because pretty soon you’ll all be living in a saltwater paradise I call the Saltwater Paradise Inland Sea Theme Park and Resort. It’ll have great attractions, world-class restaurants, luxury hotels and even a museum dedicated to the memory of the dry world.

Construction on the museum and condo units will begin in 2018 at the bottom of Wascana Lake — or as I like to call it, Saturation Point Zero.

But I’m getting ahead of myself.

As you know, it’s a civic election year. I’ve been swimming around to meet with my constituents, and they’ve confided their hopes and fears to me. The kids tell me that being Mayor of the Sea must be the coolest job around. But you know what’s not cool? Unfair taxes placed on whales, dolphins and the other wealthy sea mammals who create jobs and invest in the community.

These majestic creatures, who I am proud to have as supporters, are the ones doing the hardest labour of all to make the ocean (which will soon include this city) a great place for everyone to live, work and swim. It’s the one place where trickle-down economics are taken seriously! Although things don’t trickle down here so much as float around.

You know what? Just between you and me, the sea is kind of gross. That’s why Saltwater Paradise will be fully staffed with a cleaning crew willing to work 24/7 to make sure your underwater leisure experience is unparalleled! As non-unionized employees, they’ll be working for tips (and to avoid beatings), so you can be sure they’ll do the best job possible.

We’re taking applications right now. Do you see a future for yourself or your children in the underwater hospitality industry? Wait, what’s that? Do you seriously think you’ll be getting a management position? Ha ha, you land dwellers make me laugh. We’re putting the sharks in charge.

The Mayor of the Sea is more cetacean than man now, twisted and evil.