© Myron Campbell

Hey everyone. Chiron Batchlett here, creator and purveyor of Chiron’s Mustardaise, which the Leader-Post calls “a blend of mustard and mayonnaise, we think”. By now you’ve seen the lineup for the 2016 Regina Folk Festival and you’ve probably noticed what the university people call “a curious omission” but what I call a “toe-fay” — which is short for “totes fail”, which is short for “a total failure to book my band”.

I’m sorry to tell everyone, but I will NOT be playing the 2016 Regina Folk Festival.

Sure, they’ve got Bettye LaVette, The Head And The Heart, The Cat Empire, the Sam Roberts Band and the Strumbellas. That’s all great (I guess), but where on the lineup is my old-nu-metal/hard-folk polkatronic ensemble Chiron’s Styles For Miles (which is also the name of my pop-up boutique vintage western wear clothing truck)?*

Nowhere. That’s where.

We’re disappointed, too. We were all set to show off our new look and sound at this year’s Folk Fest, but things happen. Things like my bass player quitting. And the Folk Festival not returning any of my messages. And my grandmother taking off for Phoenix so we can’t get into her garage where we left all our instruments. The life of an artist, man.

Anyway, you won’t find us on the main stage or any of the daytime stages. You won’t even find my mustardaise on offer in the arts market and food court. What you will find is me, in the beer garden, probably passed out on a table. Wake me up for an autograph or whatever.

Chiron Batchlett is Regina’s musical saviour.

* You may know my band by its previous name, Three Wolves in a Blender. We changed it after we were banned from a few clubs around town — I guess people thought we were promoting actual wolf blending or something. Actually we were promoting my Three Wolf Blend Mustardaise. At the end of every gig, we had this T-shirt gun rigged to spray the crowd with the stuff. It was cool until the owners started hitting us with cleaning bills. I guess we were a little too “rock and roll” for Regina’s bar scene.