Some bro at a bar wanted to pummel me last week. Why?

Feature by Eagleclaw Bunnie


When I was young I hated my face. I thought my nose was too big, and it turned too red in the winter. It made me look like one of those “drunk Indians.”

I thought my hair was too thick. It made me look like a buffalo.

I thought my skin was too brown. I would tell everyone I was Mexican, not First Nations.

But that was the 80s in the middle of the Prairies, at a time when we were pretty much the only brown people here.

As I grew older, I learned to love my face. I think I have a strong jawline, expressive eyes, and good skin.

Edible cheeks!

But as I venture out into the wilds of Saskatchewan’s nightlife, my skin is still too brown. So brown, in fact, that I get threatened with a punch in the face.

This is still an all-too-common experience here. So I conducted a very scientific poll on my Facebook account (because obviously Facebook is the place to go to research face-science). “Hey folks would you wanna punch this face for being brown? Let me know what you think. Or just give a review of this face,” I wrote.

I wanted to know, once and for all, if there was a problem with my face.

I received some very insightful feedback.

-Three respondents indicated they would punch my face for being too handsome.

-Four would elect to pinch or squish my face

-Twenty-three would smile at such a face — or at minimum, not punch it.

-Five would make out with such a face, at the time of this writing.

“Your face looks kind and gentle,” said one eloquent Facebook friend. “And the people that know you love you. For those who don’t know, you’re missing out. Don’t let the few racist pricks that don’t know you bring you down. We who love you out number them by a long shot.”

“I can’t give an honest review of the face because part of it is obscured by a hand,” said one highly critical Prairie Dog writer whose name rhymes with Maidan Norgan. “What are you hiding underneath that hand? If we’re to take you seriously, you need to show your entire face, preferably in a series of shots from the time of your birth until now, with corroborating statements to verify the authenticity of the shots.”

“To be fair to whitebros, a lot of them just want to punch everything,” concluded a wise friend.

Thanks for the support, Facebook friends. I think I can live with this face.