An Exciting Announcement From Director Zack Snyder

Bonus Column by Zack Snyder

What’s up, guys? It’s Zack Snyder, director of that great movie you all saw Easter weekend: The Seventh Seal! Whaaat? No, it was Batman v Superman: Dawn Of Justice — or as I’d wanted to call it, “Dawn Of Awesome”.

I know you loved sitting in those seats for 150 minutes, watching cool stuff all over the screen — you know, there’s something awesome in the top left and it’s coming in to punch something amazing in the bottom right? BAM! Great bit, right?

So I thought I’d give you, the fans, a real treat. ‘Zack,’ you say, ‘what’s better than putting Jimmy Olsen in the film, not even naming him, then shooting him in the head?’ Well, how about 30 extra minutes of crazy superhero action?

Here’s a taste of what you can expect from my upcoming Batman v Superman: Dawn Of Justice: Ultimate Edition.

MORE WONDER WOMAN! I heard that you guys loved Wonder Woman but were like, ‘Hey Zack, she was only in it for seven minutes; what’s up with that?’ Well, know how you enjoyed seeing her use an ATM in that one scene? And how about when she checked her e-mail? And when she stowed her carry-on in the overhead bin prior to takeoff? In the Ultimate Edition, you’ll see Wonder Woman fastening her seatbelt, powering off her handheld electronics and checking out the in-flight magazine for menu options on the long-haul to Themyscira! NERDGASM!

MORE COINCIDENCE-DRIVEN STORYTELLING! I have to give a shout-out to our screenwriters for picking up on the coincidental fact that Batman and Superman’s mothers have the same first name, then taking that fact and turning it into the major emotional turning point of the film. Genius, right? Well, in the extended version, Bats and Supes sit down with some genealogy tables and figure out they’re actually cousins. Wait till the scene where they reminisce about a family member everybody calls “Ol’ Uncle Stinky”, because that plays into the upcoming Justice League movie. Speaking of which…

MORE JUSTICE LEAGUE TEASERS! Did you love all the Justice League teasers — or did you love them? Just kidding, there’s no wrong answer to that question. In BVS:DOJ:UE, we’ve got so many teasers that we’ve got teasers inside teasers. In one teaser, Batman actually goes to see the Justice League movie.

And you know what? He loves it. Suck on that, haters.