No Nukes Is Good Nukes

by Walter Nay

Voters have a lot to think about heading into the final weeks of this election campaign. Should we re-elect Brad Wall’s Saskatchewan Party to a third term? Should we hand the reins of power to a feisty but inexperienced NDP? And what about the other political parties — the Greens, Liberals and Progressive Conservatives? As voters, it’s our job to listen to all the parties and candidates, and support those with the best ideas.

Unfortunately, while our politicians debate privatization, deficits, health care, education and social program spending, they’re ignoring the biggest policy question facing Saskatchewanians today: should we nuke every square metre of our province, instantly killing every living thing within?

With no candidates staking out clear positions on this issue, leadership falls to newspaper pundits such as myself.

And, after carefully weighing the many pros and cons, I’ve come to a conclusion.

We should not annihilate Saskatchewan with nukes.

I realize atomic apocalypse has long been held up as a goal Saskatchewan should aspire to, but in 2016 it just isn’t in voters’ best interests. For one thing, what benefit(s) do we get from the nuclear extermination of all life in this province? Also, what guarantee do we have that the radioactive remnants of our once-verdant home will stay dead and lifeless?

My friends, there are no guarantees with nukes.

There are also practical concerns. Saskatchewan doesn’t have a stockpile of nuclear weapons capable of vaporizing our entire land area — in fact, we currently have a sum-total of zero atomic bombs. We couldn’t obliterate [Saskatoon//Regina], let alone an area the size of the Northern Boreal forest or central plains regions!

My esteemed opponent, Sally Yea, will doubtless argue we commit to a nuclear program to remedy this — and I will concede that we have in this province both the technical knowledge and necessary uranium to make the bombs.

Also, it would create jobs; I’ll give her that.

But given the amount of time and money a full-scale nuclear weapons program would require, I think it’s best to focus on other ways to destroy Saskatchewan and every living creature in it. Weaponized anthrax, ebola or smallpox might not be as sexy as mushroom clouds blooming on a shattered horizon, but if biological agents can get the job done at less cost to taxpayers, our politicians must consider them.

It would be irresponsible not to.

Bombs For A Better Tomorrow

by Sally Yea

My worthy opponent Walter Nay says we should not blast our beautiful province of Saskatchewan into radioactive particles. He argues for restraint and in doing so, implicitly endorses the dogmatic neoliberal consensus that full-scale nuclear annihilation is an unaffordable luxury in the current economic climate.

To Walter, I say: if not now, nuke when?

This is no time for austerity. Even with the price of oil dropping and volatility in other resource markets, Saskatchewan is still enjoying the greatest economic boom in our history. This era of unparalleled prosperity has finally helped us dream of a brighter future. Why not make that future so bright it melts our eyes?

Walter argues that nuking every single damn centimetre of Saskatchewan is a hopeless goal. “We don’t even have any missiles,” he whines like a sulking child trying to get out of doing his chores. “Biological weapons would be cheaper and easier.”

Ugh. Where do I start?

First, a weaponized disease or virus isn’t going to take out humans and animals and insects and plants and microbes. We’d need hundreds, if not thousands, of biological agents to pull this off, which would be staggeringly expensive to develop (so much for saving money, huh Walt?). Plus, what if something went wrong and one or more of the germs got loose early? An accident that only sterilizes a third of the province could set our total destruction back by decades.

Second: a virus is unlikely to significantly penetrate the ground, leaving trillions of soil-based organisms alive. Thermonuclear explosions? Those things leave entire craters.

Walter argues, “there are no guarantees with nukes,” but if you side with me, I guarantee we will give every single Saskatchewanian their very own smoking crater. “A megaton for every man, woman and child” is my slogan.

Since joining confederation, Saskatchewanians have yearned to be disintegrated by the incomprehensible ferocity of a multi-megaton radioactive inferno. Back in 1905, they’d stare at blazing Prairie sunsets and imagine a fire millions of times brighter — one that instantly turns a human body to shimmering dust.

Total atomic destruction wasn’t possible in 1905 but today, it’s a different story. It will be difficult, but if we truly come together — like we did for the ’Riders 2013 Grey Cup win, say — I’m confident we can reduce Saskatchewan to the lifeless, glowing moonscape true patriots demand.

To paraphrase a great citizen: “Courage, my friends; ’tis not too late to nuke a better world!”