I’m Starting To Think You People Don’t Even Believe I’m Real

BONUS COLUMN by Kevin Pusch

puschWow! You people had a lot to say about my last column! We got literally a couple of e-mails about it. My editor asked me to answer them personally and I’ve got a column due, so why not “kill two birds with one stone”? Let’s get right to it!

I’ve enjoyed your magazine since its inception. That’s why I was so startled to read the “dude bro” column in the Jan. 21 edition. I just can’t understand why your magazine would print a sexist, racist and fabricated political statement. It goes beyond a question of taste — unless it was meant to taste bad; then you blew it out of the park.
—Puzzled Reader

“Fabricated”? I’m starting to think the only thing “fabricated” here is your outrage! Okay, you had your turn, now here’s what I think: you secretly like common-sense opinions from normal, good-looking guys who drink Coors and smoke the occasional Colt. So why are you so “startled”? Well, my guess is because the Liberal Media makes everyone, especially chicks, think they should be offended by everything. The good news is that even Prairie Dog felt pressure to get with the times and add a “dude bro” column, which shows there’s hope for even the worst communists.

My advice: you should just chill out and relax. You’re welcome.

Let’s get to the next letter!

As someone working towards my masters in anti-oppressive education, I found “Pusch Comes To Shove” more interesting and complicated to sort through than anything else I’ve read recently. It’s not clearly enough satire OR genuine — it seems to sit somewhere in the middle. I would love to know more — specifically the point of the article, its desired goal and its level of authenticity. A response would be greatly appreciated.
—Puzzled Masters Student (Anti-Oppressive Education)

I don’t know what “satire” means but I can guaran-frickin’-TEE you that my last column was as “genuine” as shit gets. Why is everyone so confused by straight talk from a regular Joe who, like everyone,  gets drunk and sings along to Michael Ray’s “Real Men Love Jesus” once in a while? Frankly, I’m starting to think you people don’t believe I’m a real person. Well, smart guys, if I’m not real, then who’s in the photo running with this column? Huh? Some rando off the Internet? And could someone just make up a name like Kevin Pusch?

When push comes to shove I don’t think so.

Kevin Pusch insists he is for real.