To the two dudes barreling down my alley with metal testicles hanging from their pickup’s hitch, and especially to the driver, who lobbed a half-full can of Pabst Blue Ribbon out his window: I promise not to treat white people any differently because a few of them — like you guys — are glorious stereotypes. Lol.

PITY THE PALE PBR PRINCES Queen City Confidential is an open forum for Prairie Dog readers to anonymously share their petty rants, workplace gripes, romantic woes and complaints about friends and family. You can say nice things too (but it’s more fun to sneer at testicle-adorned vehicles). E-mail your submission to confidential@prairiedogmag.com (type CONFIDENTIAL in the subject field). Change everyone’s names and identifying details. Submissions must be 100-200 words, and should have their balls polished before they leave the driveway.