Greetings Drylanders! I just came back from an extended trade mission with the Atlantic Ocean. Let me tell you, those underwater delegates know how to show a lungbreather a good time. Even the bivalves were classy.
Now that I’m back, it’s time to get to work. Here are my promises to you, my overwater constituents, for 2016.
VICTORY IN THE UPCOMING MUNICIPAL ELECTION When October comes, the voters will head to the polls to choose their leader for the next four years. And who better suited for the position of mayor than someone with the word “Mayor” in their name? Mr. Fougere has done an adequate job of keeping my seat warm over the last few years, but let’s face facts: he’s a finless, flukeless abomination whose last interaction with a tuna was probably on a plate. I don’t want to say that I’m going to win a landslide victory. Maybe a mudslide. Or a waterslide! Speaking of which:
ALL ROADS WILL BE CONVERTED TO WATERSLIDES Are you as sick of potholes as everyone else? When was the last time you went to work in a swimsuit, screaming “Wheeeeee” the whole way? If the answers to those two questions are “Yes” and “not since I worked at the water park” then you’ll be on board (a surfboard, I’m betting) with this plan. Get ready to slip and slide into the future with me!
MOSAIC STADIUM WILL BECOME AN AQUARIUM Fellow citizens, where will our cetacean dignitaries stay when we host the first Tri-Oceans Conference in November 2016? We need to get started now on converting the new stadium into a massive tank capable of supporting a saltwater ecosystem. When we’re not hosting fish, the Sea Change Stadium and Aquaplex can host a number of cultural, entertainment and sporting events. Provided they’re underwater.
THE FIRST ANNUAL HOSE-A-THON As a lead-up to the Tri-Oceans Conference, the city will be hosting the Regina Hose-a-thon: “a celebration of running water.” On the first day of the festival, every citizen in Regina will run their hoses. Just open up the taps and let those hoses do their thing. The festival will end when Regina is completely underwater — just as my master, Krillex the Humpback, Suzerain of the Sea, has commanded.
ALL CITIZENS WILL HAVE THEIR LEGS FUSED TOGETHER AND GILLS SURGICALLY IMPLANTED That’s for 2017.
Yours in dappled sunlit depths,
The Mayor of the Sea
The Mayor of the Sea rules the briny deep. He accepts donations.