A Letter From Grand Moff Tarkin to Justin Trudeau
BONUS COLUMN
Stardate 35:3:21
Death Star Oversector
To: The Right Honourable Justin Trudeau, P.C., M.P., Prime Minister of Canada, Ottawa
My Dear Justin,
Thank you for the kind letter. It is good to know one has fans, even if they live in backwater galaxies, and I would be pleased to share my vast knowledge and experience with you. As a veteran military governor of an Empire ruling more than 50 million worlds, I do have a few suggestions you might consider as you savour your own insignificant moment of triumph.
First, your quaint government. It sounds like your Parliament — with its greedy delegates and pointless bickering — has outlived its usefulness. I suggest you dissolve it, permanently.
Of course, without the illusion of democracy you’ll need new ways to maintain order. But in my experience, if you tighten your grip too much, entire star systems will slip through your fingers. Why not give direct control to the premiers? Though unfocused and disruptive, they might yet be of some use to you.
Of course, you’ll need something to keep them in line. How about fear? A battle station with the ability to destroy a province should do the trick. I could have my people send you technical plans, if you’re interested.
In any case, Justin my boy, it’s your country now and I wish you well with it. As for me, I’ve got a rebel base to destroy, and later Lord Vader and I have a double date with Twi’lek twins. But don’t worry. I’ll deal with you soon enough.
Sorry, that came out wrong. I meant “write”. I’ll write again soon enough.
Best Regards,
Wilhuff Tarkin
Grand Moff, Galactic Empire
Editor’s note: Many Bothans died to bring us this letter.
