I know we’re busy and need to eat at our desks but you’re doing it wrong. For example: you eat bananas in front of me with an exaggerated, “Mmmmm, this is gonna be good” glint in your eyes. Watching you slowly peel them, one after the other… no. Just no. Seriously. Stop it.

Here’s a list of work-appropriate foods. Please refer to it before eating in front of me.

1.) Egg Salad Sandwiches They should have a LOT of onion in ’em. No rye bread — this isn’t Montreal.

2.) Salads This isn’t California either, you dirty hippie.

3.) YOP It’s a yogurt  “drink”. Yes, glugging a jug of bacteria is disgusting but I’ll permit it as long as you don’t use you don’t lick the spoon clean after each mouthful. Only on Fridays though.

4.) Spicy Soup The kind that makes your nose run and has to be slurped like a pig at a trough. You’d think I would mind, but I don’t.

5.) Crunchy Things Eating food that sounds like bones breaking in your mouth shows you have confidence. Proceed.

That’s it! I realize this is a short list but with a little creativity you should be able to pull it off. Sincerely, Your Boss.

BITE ME Queen City Confidential is an open forum for Prairie Dog readers to anonymously share their petty rants, workplace gripes, romantic woes and complaints about friends and family. You can say nice things too. E-mail your submission to confidential@prairiedogmag.com (type CONFIDENTIAL in the subject field). Change everyone’s names and identifying details. Submissions must be 100-200 words and should not be composed while eating.